Monthly Archives: October 2011

I am an ass…

I had an epiphany this morning. Apparently I am an ass because I felt that I should get a pass on actually having to be accountable for my actions, or non-actions as they may be. For the past year I have not been holding myself accountable for the things I need to be doing as a person to continue to maintain my integrity. I suppose I would give myself a pass up until about May of last year, but anything beyond that I really should have been getting my shit together and carrying on like the 35 year old adult I am.

By no means am I past my strange experiences from this past year, but I have to ask myself, how many others are so much worse off than I am? And using the poor job market as an excuse doesn’t count… I could sub, or work at McDonalds for that matter.

I suppose I have been dragging my feet because I feel like my next choices are going to be the one’s that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, but if my experiences from this past year have taught me anything, it should be that at anytime I can pick up and change direction if I want to. That is a loaded statement and I could rationalize SO much with it, but that’s for another post…

So, I will sub. I need to figure out what I will do with Lainey in the morning and getting her to school, and find someplace for Ella to go on short notice when necessary. But I will do it, because so many other people are in more worse predicaments than I.

Thanks to those of you who gave me the wake up call I needed to stop dragging ass. I’m not saying it won’t happen again, but at least I’ve figured it out for the moment.

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Wicked…life lessons for us all. (Warning – could contain spoilers!)

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Last Tuesday I went with my mom to see Wicked.  It was amazing on an epic scale and I would highly recommend it if you get the chance to see it.  It will totally change your perspective about the Wicked Witch of the West, and other characters of the story (the Wizard, Glinda the Good, etc.) …maybe a few other people who might have been misunderstood along the way…speaking in a personal sense, of course.

The music and story line is powerful, but if you are a stickler for details there are parts that may bother you because they don’t completely fit in with the telling of the original Wizard of Oz. I just like to pick things apart to find the holes, but it didn’t really ruin the message of the show for me.

There is something to be said for the main characters, Ga-linda (Glinda the Good) and Elphaba (the “Wicked” Witch).  Honestly, it would be nice to believe that many of us have qualities of both of them.  Glinda’s propensity to see the “good” in everything, or to just skim the surface and never dig too deep into the how’s and why’s of life.  To never “rock” the boat per se.

And then there’s Elphaba. Poor misunderstood, overlooked, Elphaba.  Who knows what she believes and feels too much. Awkward. Strange. Never being loved. Standing for a cause, and refusing to back down.  Always taking the back seat to everyone else, and finally finding herself and the courage to stand up for herself and what she believes in.  So misunderstood and blamed for everything, even though all she was trying to do in the beginning was the right thing.  Helping others.  Even though no one, save Galinda (and maybe Fiero), tried to help her. A good person, painted in a bad light to save the face of others more important than her.

You have to admire them both.  Standing for what they wanted and believed.  But at the same time, staying true to each other in the end. It is difficult in this day and age to find someone like Elphaba, and likewise Glinda.  I mean on the surface Glinda’s are a dime a dozen.  Worried only about being “popular” and nice, and getting the guy and the happy ending.  But I’d like to believe in the end there was SOME depth to her.  She understood Elphaba, but wanted different things. But she loved Elphaba too.  You find many superficial people these days, but sometimes you have to wonder, is there something more there?

So in conclusion, I hope we as individuals, and as a society, have a little bit of both of them in us.  Wanting good, happiness, equality, justice, the boy… but in the end, willing to step back and allow things to fall as they may after we’ve tried our best to do with what we have been given.  And to be true to each other.  Which would you be?

The reason for my motivation…..

So my friend Trisha and I had a text argument today. This weekend she kept telling me about this job fair at this local business that was today. On Saturday I filled out an application on-line and everything and told her I would go to the fair.  Today about 4:15pm I get a text from her.

T: Did you go to the fair?

Me: Um, sure! 😀

T: U didn’t??

Me: Um, no…

T: Y not?

Me: I washed windows instead. I kind of forgot. 😦

T: Oh

Me: I know I’m hopeless. I “dislike” ur “oh”.

R u mad at me now?

T: Hopeless no,

Lol dude really?

Me: Infuriating? Lazy? Unmotivated? Forgetful? Misguided? I could go on and on…

It’s the go-to question.  I’m working on it.

T: Sounds to me like ur in the midst of yet another pity party. Just sayin

Me: I’m not pity partying, if anything I’m laughing at myself! Hahahaha!

T: The fair lasts until 6 ya know…

Just heard it on the radio.

Me: Oh, I’m getting in my care right now…rotflo!!!!

l*

T: Don’t lie! I could care less if u got a job. But maybe I was under the misguided impression that YOU cared.

Me: Oh don’t get mad Trisha! I do want a job, but I want to teach, so I’m going to get off my ass and start subbing. I am willing to put my app and resume in to check things out, but why dick around when I know what I really want to do? – I know, stop dicking around…

T: Hmm….I’m not mad. I’m just thinking you aren’t happy doing what ur doing now. So shit er get of the pot man.

Me: Well said, and advice well taken.

T: No. That’s just it.. it’s not well taken. CAUSE ARE YOU ON UR WAY TO THE JOB FAIR????

Me: Quit yelling at me… I will go to the job fair. I’m taking a shower right now.

T: Good. Then sign ur ass up to sub too.  My mom keeps asking me if u have… n if she’s gonna guilt me…ur damn skippy I’m passing it along!

Me: Ok 😛 *but that’s not with a happy face*

T: It’s alright, I’ve concluded we shouldn’t talk right when I get off of work. Tho maybe if ur actually going, then it was worth it

Me: I’m going.

T: GOOD. I expect a full report.

Me: Oh, believe me, double spaced – helvica font!

T: GOOD

I was laughing/cursing her through this entire conversation.  I felt like Cameron on Farris Bueller’s Day Off.  She’s just gonna keep texting me and texting me…

I HATE these situations where I have to go in and actually have to TALK to other people.  If I know you, or if I know what I’m talking about, ok, but going into an interview type environment is NOT my idea of a fun time.  I was so nervous I was sure I was going to have a stroke or heart attack.  Teaching interviews, ok, anything else, I struggle with.

Anyway, when I got there I “checked-in” on Facebook because I wouldn’t put it past her to drive by or something to make sure I was there.  Of course she commented on it, which I will get to in a minute, but back to our texting conversation.

T: Well?

Me: They were interviewing for cold-calling selling cells, TV services. The girl didn’t think it was my “area” but was forwarding my info elsewhere.

T: Well that’s a good start. I’m VERY glad you went. Now, go home and get ur shit together to sign up for subbing. What needs done there?

Me: A physical. I’m going tomorrow. (I had no prior intention of going tomorrow…)

T: What comes after the physical? And yes, I’ll check on you tomorrow too.

Me: Taking my physical and TB test results to the ROE. Then I go sign up.

T: Go where? Online or in person?

Me: person

T: Do you have a list of schools you’re going to and in order? That’s what I would make.  Satisfying little checks ever place you go.

Me: I’m making it tonight.

T: Can’t wait to see it!!

Me: I hope the amount of cackling coming on your end is as much as it is on mine…

T: Lol mmhmm… I just turned to JR n said Gawd I’m an evil bitch.

Me: But you’re my evil bitch ]:->

T: Lol, now that’s funny.

Our facebook conversation was just as amusing:

Aka: HGS – job fair. I’ve been here 1/2 an hour. YES, I’m here Trisha. — atAffina.

Like ·  · Tag Friends · 3 hours ago via BlackBerry

Remember the other day when I posted the “Unmotivated” picture?  Here’s my new one:

I was so irritated by the time I got home at 6:30, but I think I was irritated with myself for being so unmotivated.  I mean, she is only trying to help get me where I need to be, and I have to say I appreciate it, because if it were left up to me, I’m not really sure I’d ever get there!

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is…. Thanks Trisha. 😉

When I grow old…. I’m not wearing purple… but please visit me… and feel free to laugh at me when you do.

My mom and I went to visit my Aunt Dot last week.  She’s 93 and lives in a nursing home.  We haven’t been to see her in quite a while.  The last time I was there was probably a few years ago.  I started thinking about her, and started feeling horrible because she’s been sitting there for all of these years… I told my mom we were going to start going to see her once a week, because when I get old I don’t want to be left to live out the rest of my life alone in a home.

So we went to see her.  It was an odd exchange.  They have her pretty drugged up because she gets very aggressive (and undresses randomly…) so it was kind of hard to wake her up. She had NO idea who we were.  She asked who we were and why we were there and when we explained who we were she said we were mistaken and we must be there to kill her.  We insisted we weren’t and she replied, “Well, someone around here is.” Hmmm, ok. She had a stuffed animal and my mom pulled it out of her chair to ask about it.  I thought Aunt Dot was going to punch her in the face and she told her to “get her own god damn bear”.

I started pulling down her pictures and showing them to her, trying to explain who we were.  She knew the pictures and new who “Kathy” and “Elizabeth” were, but just couldn’t quite be convinced we were them. I talked to her about when I was little and we would bake together.  She had this big tin of flour that I could put my entire arms in up to my elbows and I would bathe in the flour.  I would be white as a ghost by the time we were done.  She said she vaguely remembered that.

She was watching the Packers play, and she asked, “Is there was someone you know playing in the game?”

My mom said, “No, but Phil (my dad)  is at home watching it.”

I said, “You know, Kathy’s husband Phil?”

To which she replied, “I thought you said SHE was Kathy!”

Gawd, this was getting confusing.  We had only been there like 15 minutes, but I told my mom maybe we should go.  She was just getting more agitated.  We told her we’d be back the next week.

She replied, “Don’t hurry back on my account.”

“Oh, Aunt Dot, we want to come back and see you!” I insisted.

Her reply, “Well, I don’t want to see you!”

After we had left, I joked about the visit and my mom said it was always better when my brother or I went with her because we make her laugh, and if we didn’t she would just cry.  I suppose at this point it’s more for our own benefit we go see her, but I’d like to think it makes a difference to her, even though we have been horrible family the last few years by not visiting her.

Last night when I got home my mom asked me if we were going to see Aunt Dot today.  I said maybe we should wait another week.  We wouldn’t want to ruin a good thing… or risk a beating… whatever.

Originally titled as ’10 weird things that can make me emotional…” now changed to ‘My lack of follow through is paralyzing…”

I am having an incredibly difficult time following through lately.  Example, last night I started to blog about things that make me emotional or fire me up and only got to number 2 (although note I DID number to 4). I get all of these great ideas but then I can’t follow through.  My natural side would want to analyze this, thinking there is some deeper meaning to my lack of being able to follow through, but I can’t even follow through on that….

So I found this funny picture on the Internets that expresses my lack of motivation. Enjoy.

You can't even begin to imagine how true this is....

And the beginning of my earlier post. I WILL finish it someday, I WILL…

My earlier post today was a bit of a rant, and I apologize for that.  It got me to thinking of strange things that work me up or make me emotional.  I’m an odd duck, so some of these may seem weird, but hey, that’s me…

(In no specific order…)

1. The movie Bridesmaids. Yes. I cried. Like a baby…

2. When kids don’t work to their full potential.

3.

4.

Be a freakin’ grown up!!!!

What the hell is wrong with society these days? I heard another story of a broken marriage today.  No notice, no sign of being unhappy. Just, ” I don’t want to be a spouse and parent anymore, I want to be free and have fun”. Seriously people? You made a choice, WORK IT OUT!!!!!!!!

I know there are a lot of people out there that work on their marriages and lives and make commitments and stick to them, but those that don’t, a word of advice: You are a grownup. There is no going back. No amount of partying, playing around, or shirking your duties is going to bring back your youth.  You are going to end up looking like an ass anyway because you’re trying to be something you’re not, and you never will be again. Stop ruining other people’s lives in the process. Stop thinking of only yourself! DEAL WITH IT!!!! The rest of us are pulling our load, you need to too!!!!

Sorry, just needed to get that out….

This and That…

I haven’t been good about blogging lately.  It seems I’m hesitant to write lately, because I don’t want to be depressing.  It’s so ironic when I first started my blog I thought I was working my way out of my depression, but lately I just seem stagnant. Ha ha, National Mental Illness Week lives on in me…

People have noticed, a.k.a. my parents, which, I guess when you live with people it’s hard to get around.  There was a “discussion” a few nights ago at dinner.  It started with my mom actually getting a good dig in.

Ella: Let’s do highs and lows! I’ll go first…

Me: I don’t really have any today…

Mom: I bet if you had done your hair today that could have been your high!

Me: (eye roll) I DID take a shower. But…touche (tipping my hat).

I have to hand it too her, it’s not often she’s witty enough to pull that off, she usually much more blunt, but it was a good zing. And I HAVE been really lacking the motivation and go-getter style that might be my usual exuberance for life. O.K. even that made ME laugh. In all honestly, I need to get a job.  I need to have a purpose. I know the girls are my only purpose, but I need something for me… and when they go away every Monday and ever other weekend, so goes my purpose.

Likewise, I was hit with the realization recently that I’m not exactly “over” things as much as I thought I should be, or want to be. Seeing things in action are much more difficult that creating your own version in your head. So, in response to this depression, I leave you my promise, my conviction, if you will… my mantra (for the day…month….year…. life…)

I Choose…

to live by choice, not chance;

to make changes, not excuses;

to be motivated, not manipulated;

to be useful, not used;

to excel, not compete.

I choose self-esteem, not self pity.

I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinions of others.

Oh yes, and good-riddance Business 115, it’s been real, but now I’m done letting you rain on my blissfully rose-colored parade…

Yep, it’s a full moon…

Have you ever noticed when there is a full moon everyone and thing is more crazy?  At dinner tonight the kids were being freakishly crazy. I look at my dad and say, “Oh yeah, there’s a full moon, right?” Why does this happen?  I know when I was a teacher, the kids at school always got an extra dose of crazy in them.

I took Ella to the library today and she was just running around like she had never been in a library before, yelling, grabbing 500 books off the shelves…

Is it the pull of the moon on the earth? Increased gravity from the pull of the moon?  This is one of life’s mysteries I’m willing to take the time to research because it affects me each time it comes around. It’s annoying, and unpredictable…

Even their dad called this afternoon which is strangely uncharacteristic of him to just want to call and talk with them (because, hey, conversations with them on a regular day are devilishly difficult, let alone talking on the phone with them where five million things could easily distract them and then you have no idea what’s going on, or, you don’t know if they’ve just set the phone down somewhere randomly and wandered away…)

These are the thoughts I sit around and think of lately…. I suppose my mood has been altered based on the full moon. At least that’s what I’m going to say it’s attributed to, until next week when I have to come up with another excuse.  But hey, at least I’m consistent in my inconsistencies..

*UPDATED* This is what happens when three adults are left in charge…

Whew! What a weekend!

It was Spoon River Drive this weekend.  T and I make a yearly pilgrimage and drag her husband and children along.  We use to take my family too, but you know…… and Lainey doesn’t really like going to it, so I wait until they are with their dad and go that weekend with T. Actually, I was with T and J from Saturday morning until early afternoon today.  I haven’t laughed that hard in a  l-o-n-g  time.  To know T and her husband “J” (as he will be referred to from here on out) is to love them.  They are complete polar opposites, which seems to work well for them as it somewhat balances out in the end,\, and with the entire family there is rarely a moment that isn’t humorous.

It is an interesting set up with us all, generally we drive about in my car, aka, “The Swagger Wagon” and T drives, because I am a self-proclaimed bad driver and T just makes me ten times more nervous when I drive with her, hence she drives, but also because she doesn’t like to surrender control… Anyway, there were a lot of strange convos going on in the car all weekend, made even stranger by the “code” talk that had to be used because there were little ears in the car. By far my favorite was when we were on our way home from football and somehow (don’t ask me how, or why… really, this is the family that can talk about the subject at any given moment…) we got on the subject of pooping our pants.  J made the comment that someone should go to the bathroom when we got home because, “who in this car hasn’t sh*t their pants at some point or another?” To which T replied, “Not me!” And then we hear a little voice from the back seat speak up and say, “That was me…” T and I were laughing so hard at this point I was doing my “Dom Deluise” laugh and she was crying so hard she was swerving off the road to which J screams, “Keep it on the road! This is the swagger wagon! If  you go off the road we’re going to roll!” to which we laugh even harder (and I’m pretty sure T yells back at him some random comment about how she’s not going off the road, and she’s not going to roll the swagger wagon…)

We decided that I would just spend the night, as T and I generally have a pretty strict schedule when it comes to the SRD, and J agreed as long as … ok, I’m not going there because he is just a sick and twisted man… but it was also pretty hilarious. About this time I think was the point when he and the 5-year-old saw some geese and started honking back and forth at each other.  Did I mention they have pretty short attention spans? Or maybe I have memory issues, that could have been this morning…

So this morning off we go. We always start in London Mills because they have food there, and yes we know its 8:30 in the morning, and no we don’t care that you aren’t suppose to eat onion rings and kettle corn and fudge at that time of the morning… (which I find kind of ironic because at 7:30 this morning J gave 5 (their 5 year-old) a soda and T took it away because she didn’t want him to have that much sugar in the morning, but there we were at 8:30 filling our bellies with sweet treats and grease galore) but, it’s tradition.

We use to go for the most awesome homemade fresh donuts you’ve ever eaten, but a couple of years ago they stopped making them.  We both had been going on the drive with our families for years since childhood and they ALWAYS had these donuts.  I’m pretty sure we stood there on that side-walk in complete and utter disbelief that brisk October day and shed a tear at the prospect we may never again taste the sugar-covered, melt in your mouth goodness of a Spoon River Drive donut ever again.  We were in shock. Shaken… dazed… traumatized. Each year we’ve been since, there’s just the slightest bit of anticipation that maybe, just maybe, they will be back… but they never are… We actually had to tell the story to 5 this year. Bless his little 5 year-old heart, he will never experience one of those delicious donuts that brought us so far each year.

After gorging ourselves on food and the like we headed back, making one more stop along the way to get some of the best beef jerky this side of the Illinois River. (Do you see a pattern here?) By this time the baby was yelling at us all, I’m pretty sure because we were all yelling at each other, or cackling, or making fun of one another… it’s hard to tell with us, it’s usually one of the above…

A "Beyonce" we found...

But the pig is more awesome!

But the ABSOLUTE best... wow, you can't get 'em that cheap these days!

Yep, that’s what we do all day…

P.S. I’m soooo sorry this didn’t meet the standards that it should… It was all so much more funny that this, really it was… I’m really nervous because T and J are waiting to see what I write about and I can’t write under the pressure!!!!!

*UPDATE* It was brought to my attention I left a few other funny points of the weekend out… Again, T and I were having a vicious slugbug competition and an unfortunate accident occurred. We both saw a slugbug at the same time and went to punch at the same time and knocked knuckles… smashed it more likely. Pretty sure T broke a knuckle too.  Probably funnier from J’s viewpoint in the back seat…

And yes, coming down from the weekend high has left me lacking something…

Not what I was expecting, but ok, that works too…

So my post yesterday stated I wanted a card for National Mental Illness Week.  My BFF was going to get me the Bloggess’ card, but it was like $4 and that’s way too steep to pay to recognize your mentally ill friend apparently.  But to try to make up for it she sent me these “Blunt Cards” instead.  It’s the thought that counts…

The first one...

The second one...

And the best one, because, hey, it's about poop...

You can find these e-cards and more at bluntcard.com. Many of them are pretty amusing and a bit too risky even for me to put on here.

Thanks for the recognition, bee-otch!

P.S. Here are the ones I picked for her….

Because it's kind of what we do....

 

And this one just made me giggle...

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