Monthly Archives: November 2011

Vision boards and other ramblings…

I’ve decided to create a vision board for myself, but I will need to be careful to keep in mind that this vision board will consist of things that will take time…like a lot of time… it will probably end up being the suppression of visions board… ya know, because I have little patience… then my vision board will become one big picture of me living in my parent’s basement… for the rest of my life… just kidding, I think… Maybe I will post a pic of my vision board later to give you something to laugh abo… I mean inspire you to create your own!

In other news, I electrocuted myself yesterday.  I was being a good daughter and tenant, cleaning the house for my mom.  I really got into cleaning the stove and was wiping down the wall behind said stove and my wet cloth accidentally hit a three-way outlet thingy and I got a shock from it.  Now I am sore in my left boob area, it feels like a pulled muscle, but I’m pretending I “pulled” my heart, get it? Because it’s a muscle…

I have a thing about clean kitchens.  Just saying….

The most wonderful time of the year, and BONUS… we’re all still alive.

I love this time of year.  Holidays, food, family, all that comes with the ever impending Christmas.  We just came off of a 4-day bender, Thanksgiving style, with my brother and his two daughters, 9 and 7. His wife was in Coco Beach watching the launch of the Mars Curiosity Rover at NASA.  She was dearly missed here, and I would have loved to be able to spend some time with her, but was glad she got to do something so cool.

Nonetheless, we were a household of 8 for four blessed days.  I was concerned after the second day that someone might not make it out alive, but we all made it out, a little worse for the wear, but we survived. I have issues with having to clean up after others, or maybe with others messing up my space, not sure, but I was irritated that I had to constantly make the kids clean up the basement (aka my lavish walk-out basement apartment…) and my brother was little help when it came to enforcing everyone to help.  I was on the edge for a while, but then I remembered he was a man.  It’s been a while since I’ve lived with a male-in-charge-of-children, and my dad doesn’t really count because he’s wise beyond his years… Anyway, I realized he is like any other father who doesn’t get involved unless it directly is making him uncomfortable, and apparently I don’t make him uncomfortable (enough anyway). In the end I banned the girls from the basement for a day and that seemed to lessen the amount of mess they made when they were allowed back downstairs.

We did a lot of fun stuff that we wouldn’t have done a year ago, or even three months ago, due to Lainey’s anxiety. But I was completely excited that we got to go to the annual Santa Claus Parade and to see “Puss in Boots” in the theater.  Ella was a little iffy at first (through the entire previews she would not allow me to go any farther than just inside the door) but once the movie started she went in and was pretty good, aside from multiple bouts of musical chairs.

We decorated at church one night and the kids got to make crafts and help decorate the basement, then ate pizza and watched “A Muppet Christmas Carol”. Today we finished out the fun with a trip to church (with no less than four children) and Christmas program rehearsal. It was fun to see the girls be able to play and have fun together, and it was great to be with my family, but it was nice when they went home and the house was just a bit quieter, even with two girls still here.

I am hopeful that this year I will begin to find the anticipation and excitement of the holidays surfacing again. It means that there is meaning to something again, and it reminds me that life doesn’t end with one person.  It teaches me that, with good friends and family, life goes on and can be good on my own terms again.  I hope I can give my kids a gift of another awesome Christmas, and this one is better and holds new, happier traditions for Christmas’ to come!

I am thankful…

 

So I’ve been really depressing lately and full sarcasm. But I wanted to take this thankful opportunity on this day of thanks to express my thankfulness, thankfully… That’s a lot of thanks. In honor of this thankful day, I am going to challenge myself to make a list of 50 things I am thankful for.  I was going to do 100, but I thought that might be a little self-righteous… I’m pretty positive I can do it, but I may change my mind around about 25… We’ll see… (BTW, these are in no particular order… although the first 6 a pretty important to me…)

50 Thanks I’m Thankful For….

  1.  My daughters, I can’t say enough how much I love them. Everything I do, I do for them.
  2. my amazingly awesome and gracious parents
  3. my brother and his family
  4. my best friend Trisha
  5. my best friend Erin
  6. Stefanie and Liz, because they go together 😉
  7. a roof over my head
  8. for my health
  9. For my car, while not always reliable and “trendy” it gets me where I need to go.
  10. For the ability to work
  11.  for my freedom, and for the soldiers who risk their lives to protect said freedoms
  12. for Aunt Candy, Uncle Roger and Ann
  13. for the health of my friends, especially my friend Julie Hallock Howard, who is an amazing inspiration by being courageous and positive when faced with cancer.
  14. for my courage and strength through a divorce and loss of a job I loved, even though I didn’t always feel like it, I know I had it in me to make it through
  15. for the support of friends and family, especially those like Jenni Paustin and Amanda Christian, who do things that might seem little to them, but are HUGE to me.
  16. for the seasons, the newness of spring, the warmth of summer, the beauty of fall, and my favorite, winter.
  17. that my girls have lots of friends and family that love them to death, especially both sets of grandparents!
  18. for warm coats and gloves
  19. for technology – TVs, computers, DVD players, iPods and so much more I know I’m forgetting.
  20. for hope
  21. for the family that is no longer my family, but I still think of them that way.  They have taught me that you don’t know what you will miss until it’s gone.
  22. for crazy pills and claritin
  23. for God
  24. for food, any food, but especially the foods I love – like turkey, Grandma Neptun’s special cinnamon rolls, cupcakes, and more.
  25. for my friend Christie Freiheit Alley, who has taught me that life does go on, and gets even better.
  26. for Book Club – because everyone needs an escape, and I’m not just talking about a night out. Books are a great escape…(sound like a teacher!)
  27. the ability to teach
  28. forgiveness
  29. Jackson and Jay
  30. the internet
  31. for psychiatrists (especially the sane ones…)
  32. for Barbie movies
  33. for all of my past students
  34. for the gift of an education
  35. for clothes
  36. for indoor plumbing
  37. for those who inspire us to do more for our communities and environment
  38. for safety and security
  39. for music
  40. for my daughter’s teachers
  41. for my fuzzy moccasin slippers
  42. for movies, especially those I see in movie theaters. I LOVE going to the movies!
  43. for all of the experiences I’ve been through in my life that have made me who I am today.
  44. for clean water
  45. for heat and air conditioning
  46. for parades
  47. for parents at school who volunteer their time and talents
  48. for musicals
  49. for all types of weather
  50. for my gifts and talents

So those are just a few of the things I am thankful for.  You may ask if I just put random things on my list, but I actually thought a lot of my list out, and mean every single one.  So I say thank you to all of my friends and family, and I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!

Birthdays, I’m not really a “celebrating” kind of girl anymore…

Today is my birthday.  As I’ve grown older I’ve begun to have a more difficult time with my birthday, and my age.  I generally can’t remember my age unless it ends with a “0” or a “5” which becomes very confusing in those years in between.  I use to work with a friend who was the same age as me so I could always run down the hall and ask her how old we were, but now I’m just kind of left wondering… I guess I could do the math, but I’m not really good at math.

I tend to have younger friends as well, so I get the brunt of the “old” jokes which didn’t use to bother me, but now it’s beginning to wear on me.  My ex and his brother were always the worst about teasing me, I guess I should find comfort in the fact that I don’t have to put up with that anymore.

Birthdays just don’t hold the same magic they use to for me.  Maybe it’s because I use to believe that “this would be a big year” or that something really spectacular would happen on my birthday, but after so many years of them coming and going I’ve begun to realize that it’s just another day.  And really, why celebrate? I didn’t do anything spectacular, short of surviving another year. Congratulate my parent’s if anyone, they’re the ones who have had to put up with me all of these years!

I guess I’ve had high hopes for so long that now the general  let down just leaves me cold. It seems to be that any holiday tends to leave me cold anymore. The girls love my birthday and have made a big deal out of it, but seeing it through their eyes is just a little sad to me.  They have such high hopes.  I try to enjoy the little things they do for me, and I love them for it, but I guess I’m searching for more… of what I’m not sure, but something…

Now we are coming upon Thanksgiving and Christmastime and I can already feel myself tensing up.  Lainey has begun to ask when we can decorate and I just can’t find it in myself to organize it all.  I wasn’t even planning on putting up a tree in the basement, but they have made such a big deal out of it that now I feel it necessary.  It use to be so much easier when there was someone to share it all with. Those years of “making memories” were so important to me and I would always feel a little warmer in my heart looking forward to all of the things we use to do together. Cutting down the tree, decorating it, decorating the outside of the house, being with family… I am hopeful that in the years ahead it will get easier again, but until then I will “put on my happy face” and do the best I can for my girls. They are the ones it’s all really about anyway 🙂

So now I’m done with my whining and boo-hooing, and I will go get Ella from pre-school and take her to McDonald’s for lunch, because I know that’s where she would want to go. And I will enjoy the rest of my day….

This is not for the faint at heart….or those who can’t tolerate someone peeing their pants…

So I thought I might write about my first day of substitute teaching, but it was fairly uneventful and all went well.  Lucky for me, it’s the girl’s weekend at their dad’s, so this means another fun weekend with my friend Trisha and her family.

I’m going to disclose some pretty embarrassing shit that went down this evening, so take heed when reading this.  And don’t judge me…

Trisha and I planned on going to see Breaking Dawn Part 1 tonight so after dropping the girls off I headed over to her house, where much to her dismay her child dazzled me with his mad math skills.  She told him it was called “humility” and he should learn it.  This coming from the girl who constantly insists she’s right, even when she’s wrong (and yes, she would say she’s always right and so why shouldn’t she point out the obvious…).  Anyhow, after dinner we were sitting watching TV with JR and the boys and the youngest starts shaking this little side table they have like a madman gone berserk.  I started laughing, and then he started actually MOVING it across the floor.  Meanwhile, Trisha is telling me not to laugh at him because it only encourages it, which makes me laugh harder, but with me trying to hide my face…

For those of you who know me, when I get going laughing it becomes a “Dom Deluise” type of laugh where I start wheezing air out my throat, followed by an intense, uncontrollable cough. What happened next is in no way pretty, but when you have had two children things start to go awry … and I peed my pants.  This is like T – 20 minutes to movie time mind you.  I’m all like, “I just peed my pants!” and Trisha is all like, “That is something I don’t want to know about, so stop telling me !” Now I didn’t tell her until after we were on our way home from the movie, but I actually got a “wet spot” on my jeans from that one… Yes, JR, I had a wet spot, and I sat on your couch… (Don’t worry, I’m sure I will be cleaning it tomorrow…)

So we go to see the movie, all well and good. As we are pulling out of the parking lot Trisha starts bitching at me because she couldn’t find something and proceeds to call me a TWAT.

“God, you twat!”

SERIOUSLY???? Who even says that anymore? Call me a p*ssy, the “c” word, whatever, but TWAT? Really, and she gives ME a hard time…

THEN… we start talking about my P.E. sub job today.

She asked me if I wore the obligatory wind breaker pants and I replied, “NO, I wore my khakis!” She asked if I wore my polo shirt tucked in to them and I responded, “No, I wore this…” I was wearing a long sleeve shirt with my St. Jude sweatshirt over the top.

Now, here I am thinking I did all great wearing nice khakis, but no, she gets all pissy* and starts yelling at me because I didn’t dress up for my first sub position!

“You wore a HOODIE to your first sub job???”

” IT WAS P.E.!!!!!! The other sub came in her spandex pants for crying out loud!”

She replied, “Oh, and she has a full-time job does she?”

I said, “No I’m pretty sure she’s retired…”

“And so she has a full-time job?”

Crap, I believe I can’t win with that girl… It’s like trying to win your parents love and respect, and no matter what you do you’re wrong.

“And what did you wear? Your tennis shoes?”

“YES!”

“Oh my God…”

“IT WAS FREAKING P.E.!!!!!!!”

“I don’t care, you should have dressed nicely!”

“What? So you’re telling me I should have gone dressed to the nines in my high heels? What if I wanted to join in and be an interactive teacher. You know, run with them and shit?”

“Did you?”

“No”.

She didn’t say it, but it was implied, “I rest my case”.

I guess I’ll know if she’s right if I never get called back to sub there…

So then that’s when we started talking about the “wet spot” and SHE started laughing uncontrollably.  She insists that I have a SERIOUS problem because she has two children as well and NEVER has that problem… Well, you have other problems my friend, but I’m nice so I won’t air your dirty laundry here. But I know you know I know, so there.

We decided NOT to tell JR and let him read it here… Sorry! But no one knows of my “Dom Deluise” laugh better than JR… seriously… It’s like a past time of his to make fun of me about it… So, really, he should have expected it…

PS * (hmm, funny, spell check doesn’t recognize this word, put gives me “pussy” as one of the possible choices. Weird, yet interesting fact…)

PSS – Next time I sub in P.E. I’m wearing my wind breaker pants, a button down blouse, and high heals, with my pearls… How you like them apples?

A simple “Thank You”

So for those of you who follow me, you know I’ve been having a rough time kicking it into gear in the work area of my life lately.  I have finally signed up to sub at about four districts and have a few more I plan on signing up at in the next day or two.  I got my first sub assignment, only due to the fact that other subs probably don’t appreciate subbing in P.E., but I find P.E. to be one of the easiest subjects to fill in for because hey, there are always laps to run! Just kidding. But no, really.  Laps.

Anyway, this isn’t a post to be funny or whatever, but a post to be sappy and all whatever in saying thank you to those of you who are friends with me on Facebook that have been giving me support these past few days, and also those of you who have been publicly menacing me on Facebook for the past few weeks. (You know who you are…)

Unfortunately, I am the type of person that feeds off the positive feedback of others, and even your simple “like” on my Facebook posts have continued to give me the boost I need to get myself going and feeling positive about what I am doing.  Even though I suspect many of your “likes” are a small way of saying, “Thank God you slacker! You had your pity party, now get off your ass and do something like the rest of us!” Ha ha, it seriously makes me giggle, because for some of you I’m sure that is what you are saying, and I get it now.  Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees, but I appreciate the patience and you sticking with me.

Any hey, subbing can only give me more material, right?

What if this is as good as it gets?

I love the line from the old movie As Good As It Gets where Melvin is in the psychiatrist office and says to a room full of depressed patients, “What if this is as good as it gets”? I totally get what he is saying, and the irony that he’s saying it to a roomful of people who are there for that exact reason.

I have to laugh because these past few weeks that is exactly how I have been feeling.  I’m taking a career development course currently and this past week was focused on self-assessment. This has been an especially difficult area for me lately, because I can’t quite discern who I have always been, or who I currently am.  Whatever I come up with doesn’t seem to be good enough for me, possible because I know I haven’t been at my best this past year, but also because I worry that maybe I haven’t been at my best for quite a while… like maybe in a REEEEEALLY long time… um, or maybe, like never.

I had an interesting meeting with my psych today, and we were talking when I confessed I really could remember a lot about my life pre-divorce. She seemed quite taken aback by this and questioned me further.  She wondered if I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it because it would be too painful.  I admit, it WOULD be painful, but I don’t really think that’s the real reason why.  Or maybe it is.  It seems irrelevant at this point to think back and remember the good times and love and security I felt, because honestly, in the end, it was all just a lie.  It was all in my own head and I owned the love, laughter, and comfort of it all – all on my own.  No one else, save the girls, were really feeling and experiencing the same things I was. Why waste my time remembering something I loved and cherished above all else, that will forever be untrue?

My psych says that I am held up by the anger and bitterness I am still feeling, from everything.  The divorce. My lost job. I don’t really think I feel angry however, bitterness, maybe. But it’s not a whole-hearted anger or bitterness.  I’m impassive about it all.  I could really care less honestly.  I have learned the ways of the world, and the one thing I can be certain of is I will never again be caught off guard by other people.  It IS sad that I won’t ever trust anyone quite the same again.  It’s sad when you lose the reckless abandon of trusting and naivety that some people never lose and others lose so easily.  I was naive, and I am an idealist. I will learn to hold myself to the standards of my ideals and never expect anyone else to hold themselves to those. But I will be true to myself.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the now that we can’t see past our own noses.  I’d like to think that’s where I have been all of this time, caught up in the “now”. But now it’s time for me to begin looking to the future, not only for my girls, but for myself also.  I am going to start living for me, and not others.  Because honestly, in the end, ourselves are all we have when you get down to it. My strongest suspicion is that I will never choose marriage, or maybe any type of relationship again.  But that’s ok, because I know that whatever “good” I make for myself will be what I “get” in the end.  And by God, IT WILL BE GRAND…

 

 

CAUTION: insanity may be mistaken for reality…and vice versa. Join this ride at your own risk!

I have mentioned before that there was a period in my divorce when I lost all rationality and concept of reality. Well, I’m going through another mini-bout of loss of reality, or maybe it hadn’t ever really come back, and now it is. Either way, I’m having trouble discerning reality of my self-image as of late. Following the “shock and awe” of Trisha’s nazi-like enforcement of my job search and motivation I am left analyzing my personality in a, probably not new, but present way.

In times like this I automatically go to the most negative, lowest thoughts of myself possible, and then I do what I always do and ask my go-to person (Trisha) if it’s accurate. According to her assessment, I’m not a “loser” or “f-ed up”, I just went through something really huge and life altering, which other people totally get, but now it’s time got get “back on the horse”, so to speak. It doesn’t matter what I do (although she did say that she didn’t think subbing was going to “pay the bills”), as long as it’s something.

I know this is true, but I am a comfort seeking person, and I naturally gravitate towards what is routine and comfortable.  It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s repetitive and familiar.  I have, unbeknownst to me, fallen into the “routine” of doing nothing.  Maybe it’s the depression taking me over, maybe it’s because I live with my parents and I can share some of my burden with them..whatever it is  my motivation is gone and I have begun to find comfort in the day in and day out act of doing nothing.  This bothers me.  I have never thought of myself as a do-nothing type of person, (but then that self-deprecating doubt comes back into my mind and makes me think, “Well, maybe I always HAVE always been that type of person…”).

The thing about it IS, is I don’t know how to go about motivating  myself to get up each day and do SOMETHING. Maybe the trick of it is not to think about the big picture, but to just take it one day at a time, step-by-step. I don’t really know where I’m going, and I don’t have a plan.  This is the next big problem I’m facing. I always have a plan, or I am so fly off the handle freaking excited about something that I don’t think I just GO.

Nonetheless, in the days ahead people will begin to see me slowly emerging out of my cave, and hopefully, back into life.  I hope I’m not actually “that girl” who is bound to be forever going in circles, but the only way to find out is to go out there and do something about it. Wish me luck…

 

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