Insecurity is a blue eyed devil.

Lately my posts have been fewer and farther between and it’s not for a lack of things to write about, it’s just lately I have so many things going through my head I’m afraid writing it all down would become a random jumble of incoherent nonsense that I couldn’t make heads or tails of it later.

Do you want to know the reason I continue to post on my blog?  (I feel like it’s a dirty secret <eye rolling>). I continue to write because it makes me feel good to look at my stats and see how many people have read my blog each day.  Isn’t that sad?

This is what my life has come to… low self-esteem sucks. And actually I’m no stranger to low self-esteem, blogging is just a new way I can feed the need for human interaction without having to interact with them face to face. Weird I know…

It’s not that I’m looking for attention, it’s that I want to know that someone hears me in this stupid world Or that I might be able to make a difference somewhere. Shut it Trisha.  I know, Liz and her idealistic thoughts, get use to the idea that the “man” is gonna always keep you down. It reminds me of a book Ella has called “Kitten Hide and Seek”, “What’s my name? Play the game….” Not that the “man” is a kitten, but that you just have to play the game.  Geesh, this isn’t making any sense.

I give Trisha a hard time, but I wonder, is it her in my head saying those things or me? Is this me growing up realizing that I’m never going to be important enough to make a difference, I’m meant for mothering two spoiled children that I have created to overcompensate for the horrible way I have handled my self over the past two years, and what they have had to go through.  That, honestly, they would probably rather be with their father where they can at least live in their own home, where it is somewhat reminiscent of their previous lives. Where they can have new clothes, and toys, and American Girl Dolls and Barbie Dream Houses and a baby sister.  That the only thing they will have to look forward with me is… what they see right now. Probably living in their grandparent’s basement, or in a cheap apartment, or rented home, jumping from school to school until their mother can finally get her act together. Just us, no frills, because mom is never going to be able to find a job she excels at, or earns good money at, or is successful at…

This sounds very depressing I know, and I honestly don’t go around thinking all of this all of the time, but there are moments when I let my happy facade down and think, “shit, this really is as good as it’s gonna get”. And not that it’s horrible, mind you, it’s not the path I would have chosen myself, but how often are we forced onto paths we haven’t chosen? And I know it’s about me and my motivation to succeed and survive, but still, there are questions, and uncertainties. Maybe this is just me working through the last bit of all of the bullshit I have waded through up to my armpits these past few years. Maybe it’s an empty question being sent out into nothingness. I don’t know, but I do know writing it down as a point of reference for a week, month, or years down the road will allow me to think “Jesus girl, what the hell?” But then be able to say to that insecure, unsure of herself girl, “It got better.”

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Posted on April 22, 2012, in divorce, Parenting, Why, yes. Yes I am crazy.... Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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