Fifty Shades of Angry

I have no f*cks to give!

I’ve got an anger management problem.  I don’t think I’ve always had it, I think its developed since my divorce.  I’m not really sure where it comes from, although my dad has been known to throw random objects into the woods in the back of our house.  He’ll be grilling out and the spatula won’t work like he thinks it should… and wham, it’s flying over the back yard into the trees.  Sprinkler not working right? Watch out cars going up the hill, that thing will break a window if you’re not looking…

I’ve started watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix with the BFF, and I have to tell you, I really relate to the anger on that show.  Not like, I’m gonna pee on your floor relate, but I get the gist of it ya know? (I swear if my BFF calls me Crazy Eyes one more time I’m gonna blow. I call her Dandelion in return, so I’m pretty sure we’re even in the end.) My favorite thing about the show is they tell you the story of everyone’s past so you can see where they’ve been and understand what led up to them being incarcerated. Life sucks for everyone so I guess it’s all in how you handle it. I can honestly say I hope my anger isn’t that severe, and I hope I look good on the outside, because some days whats going on inside wouldn’t look too pretty on the outside.

I have a multitude of angry emotions that can be volatile if I’m not careful.  Stewing is never a good sign.  My BFF has spidey sense for it.  She sees it coming a mile away. She’s always telling me, “You’re so angry… I also have this thing where if I get really mad I cry.  I hate when other people see me cry, so I won’t make eye contact. Like, if I don’t look at you, you can’t see I’ve been crying and I won’t be embarrassed. That’s generally the first day. The second day is my emotionally compromised teenage girl angst day.  By the third day I’m good. It’s those first two days you gotta steer clear though.

In the meantime, this attribute tends to be quite challenging when around children, working with children, or being a parent to children.  My dry wit and sarcasm doesn’t help either, but anger, it just fuels the fire.  My oldest tends to have an anger management problem as well, and while I use to think she got it from her father, I’m not so sure I can pass that off on him anymore.  Homework time seems to be a problem area, as well as bedtime.  The yelling, the crying, the tears.. it’s all just so, cliché. It frustrates me to no end, and if it’s not one of them it’s the other. Like they have a schedule all worked out for how we can drive mom crazy the quickest.

Then there is the whole working with kids thing, which probably doesn’t help when it’s time to work on homework with my own kids.  But it is what it is, right? This week at school one of my students has been unusually more talkative than usual.  It’s not abnormal for him to be so vocal, but this week seems to be particularly bad.  I use the Classroom Dojo which is a computer app that you can use to give or take points to students based on appropriate or inappropriate behaviors. At one point this week, I decided I was going to use Pavlov’s version of conditioning him to stop constantly interrupting me.  I mean, it was so bad I couldn’t get a full sentence out all afternoon. So, I started taking a point off every time he interrupted.  He got up to like -14 points.  It was pretty impressive if I do say so myself. I felt like Dr. Evil telling Scott to “zip it”.


Apparently my students find my temper amusing at times. Today I heard one say, “Look how red her face is!”. I should probably do something about it before I stroke out or say something I may regret later, but it’s probably way past that point now.  I generally say things without the filter on full blast and usually end up regretting it later. It’s not that I mean the things I say in anger, it’s just I tend to get all worked up and in order to deflect the blame I put on myself (or rightly should), I will start bitching about anyone and anything that doesn’t have to do with me.  It’s a defense mechanism really. So… yeah, I should look into that, although apparently there aren’t many anger management classes around here.  It’s just… so exhausting.. Lol.



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