My therapist is making me rewrite this post in a more positive light… (this is painful to read :-)

In crossfit, there is this epic event known as the crossfit open, which leads to the even more epic event, the crossfit games. Anyone can enter the open, while the games are for the most fit athletes in crossfit. So, of course I signed up, because I’m a badass…

The open is 5 weeks long, one WOD per week. The first week, while I was nervous, I killed it and fell in love, much like my year-long love affair with crossfit. As the weeks wore on, I was challenged in many ways, both mentally and physically. When I start something new, I always have this amazing expectation that I’m going to be great at it, like awesomely so. Then, when I’m not, I dig in and get to work. My thought process becomes, “If I’m not great at this, then I’m going to keep working at it until I’m satisfied.” I know, this may sound unrealistic, but we all have our own dreams, and mine is striving to be better every day at everything I do. Because I have a brother who succeeds at so much, I am inspired to push myself to work as hard as I can each day. In my younger years I spent a lot of time switching between competing with him and being a free spirit, and I realize I made many mistakes. These mistakes have made me who I am today. A strong person, determined to succeed and be the best person I can be.

While I am the type of person that is usually incredibly hard on myself, I am slowly learning to be easier on myself and give myself the benefit of the doubt. I work hard to tame my inner voice, which comes in the form of many people in my life. I have to remind myself that these voices are much harder on me in my head than the actual people! There are so many people who genuinely care about me and are wishing the best for me.  I want these people to know that they impact me in many positive ways, and I appreciate all they do to advocate for me. I’ve worked hard to recognize these people in my life and to continue to reflect their kindness onto other people I encounter in my life.

I’ve learned as a parent and a teacher, you have to work hard to keep your inner monologue in check, especially when you have impressionable girls (or students) around everyday. When I look in the mirror, instead of saying “I’m so fat”, I work to tell myself, “look how far I’ve come.” I weigh myself less, and focus on how my clothes fit, or how I feel better just from doing the things I do. Instead of saying out loud, “I can’t do this”, I try to remind myself that changes take time, and I’m working hard to get to the place I want to be. I remind myself that set backs happen, and that’s ok. I can get back up tomorrow and start again. These are the things I want my girls to see and hear, so when they face obstacles in their life, they can face them in a healthy, positive way, rather than thinking they can’t change themselves for the better.

During the open, even though it challenged me mentally, I kept at it. It made me accountable to myself and proved I show up to do the work.  I was capable of doing the work, so why not? The last WOD came out on Thursday and I was so excited to watch a friend do her workout, it was amazing. There were people there cheering her on, and she was doing everything Rx (the fun stuff, like chest to bar pull ups and heavy weights and awesome things like that) and I’m thinking, I can’t wait to do this! If I keep working I’m going to be able to do that someday. I want it SO bad, and it might take time and I know there will be obstacles, but with time, patience, and tenacity, I know I can do it.

There is no fantastical conclusion to this story, except I finished the open. I didn’t finish last. I worked hard, did my best, and I got what I wanted out of it. I COULD do it. Seriously! My friend continued to encourage and tell me to keep going so I didn’t regret not doing my best. I can’t wait to look back on this next year and see how far I’ve come and how many new things I’ve learned to do. I will continue to cheer other people on at my box and have fun meeting new people. If I hadn’t done this there would be so many people I wouldn’t have gotten to know better, and that’s the most rewarding part of the open.

I’m beginning to realize that the hard work I put in gives me so much more than I got being hard on myself. So I’ll keep at it, and someday I will be able to look back on this experience and say, “Look how far I’ve come!”

That’s the end game anyway. 😊

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