19.2, I wasn’t ready for you this morning

19.2, I wasn’t ready for you this morning. My mind was feeding me lies, that of course, initially, I believed. So I left the gym thinking I wasn’t going to attempt you in this mindset. I could use the old adage, it isn’t you, it’s me, and that would be 100% correct. 

You see, I stepped out of my comfort zone last weekend and tried something new. I walked into a level 1 Crossfit Training Seminar like I belonged there. I learned new information and got new tips on movements I’ve been working on for two years. I left there feeling on top of the world for multiple reasons. I told myself I didn’t care if I passed the test because I just wanted the experience. But I should have known it would affect me anyway.

When I learned I had failed, I was disappointed, but it took a bit for me to process that now people were most likely going to ask me about it, and I’d have to tell them the result. Then, the minutest of details caused a tailspin in my head when I came in this morning to attack you. I learned open workouts were starting at 10am, not 9am, as I assumed. Friends at the gym were supportive and told me, “Just do it now! I’ll judge you!” I agreed.

But after some minutes my mind began feeding the lies that it knows I succumb to all too often.

You didn’t pass the test, it wasn’t that hard, you should have been able to, you’re a teacher for crying out loud.

Speaking of which, what the hell was that this week. Can’t you even control those kids for one day? You know that meeting was about you. God, get it together.

You didn’t even know open workouts are at 10am. Don’t you know anything? Even when you do know you forget!

I don’t even know why your going to do this workout, it’s not like you’ll get past the first 8 minutes.

And so, I got my things and walked out the door wordlessly. Hoping that by Monday I would be back to being myself and able to tackle you again.

And then my best friend texts me.

her: Where did you go? Are you coming back? Everyone’s worried!

me: I wasn’t feeling it so I decided to just leave it until Monday, no worries!

her: Ah! I get it, they were all just worried about you, they all jumped me as I came in the door saying I needed to text you!

me: Well now I feel even more stupid!

her: You shouldn’t feel stupid! You should feel loved! They were worried!

I should feel loved. A novel idea. I should have known.

She is always telling me I’m not invisible, and I usually don’t believe it. But while they may not have caught me going out the door, they sure proved to me I’m seen, which changes the entire outlook.

So, I wiped off my face, stopped at the drug store for a prescription, got a coffee, and headed back to the gym. After a deep breath and telling myself it was fine, just walk through the door like you’re totally normal, I went back in to a round of cheers and all was forgotten. No words were spoken, no questions asked. Just a regular day at the gym. And like that, I was ready for you again.

See, this year I’m not stressing over you, friend. I’m enjoying you. This year I get to compare myself to last year, not myself against others. I’m in a whole new league than last year. A little less green, a little wiser, a little more in tune with myself. I’m using you to boost my confidence, even if there are movements I can’t do, there are still movements I can do better than I did last year, and that’s something.

I was frustrated this morning because life got in the way of those plans, that mindset. Things happen, and people forget. Not everyone passes a test the first time, and some days we think we suck. But you are always noticed by someone, and you aren’t always seen by others through your own eyes.

In the end, I did better at you than I thought, and it was fun. The cheering and laughing with others reminded me of what Crossfit truly is: a community. I doesn’t matter what you leave at the door when you walk in, or maybe drag in with you.  In the end you belong in this little misfit group of humans that all have complicated lives. We come to this gym to relieve the daily stresses and rid ourselves of the frustrations of our daily lives. And hopefully we walk out happier, freer, and healthier. With a better outlook than when we walked in. No matter the mistakes I made that day or week, I can rest from the dead tiredness you brought me, knowing I gave you everything I had for 12 minutes. So thank you.

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