Category Archives: humor

My night in a nutshell….

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How did this happen exactly?

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All Aboard the Hot Mess Express

hot messJust wanted to share this because it seriously feels like I’m on the Hot Mess Express, or I am the Hot Mess Express, or I invented it… or all of the above.

Reasons I feel this way:

I’m old (not gonna say how old) and still live in my parent’s basement.

I quit a job to take another job, to take another job, and in the process decreased my income by 50%, all in the name of doing something I love, hence, still living in my parent’s basement.

Two lovely children who really need to learn self-reliance.

Aparently I forget… a lot… so sue me…

Just a few, man, just a few. At least I still have my sense of humor…

More random texts that prove we need our own reality show…

Some nights we like to get movie theater popcorn while watching movies at home. Yes, we’re crazy like that… This insued after I got the popcorn…

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Saturday mornings we go to breakfast, but no one else moves quite as quickly as we prefer…

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This one may be a little confusing as you’ll see I had to delete part of the message because of information that just doesn’t need to be shared EVER again…

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This one because I confused the song played in Shrek Ever After, Live and Let Die, for November Rain when discussing who sang it originally. (FYI – I know Guns and Roses sang November Rain originally and The Beatles Live and Let Die).

The second part is just #everydaywhovianproblems, because yeah, that happens!

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I’m pretty sure I have commitment issues…

This week has been incredibly insane judging by the fact that I should have been writing this post three days ago, but am just getting to it now… Lainey found a stray cat last week and insisted we keep it. Oddly enough, despite my cat whispering abilities I told her no, I just couldn’t bring myself to handle that much added responsibility. Beside the fact that my cat whispering abilities told me that the cat was extremely ill, and probably only had days to live… Even Ella said, “that cat is going to puke and die.”

Every time I went out for a smoke I felt as if it were judging me, all coughing and gagging, like my smoking was causing it to hack up a lung. It was so uncomfortable I just gave up, until Trisha came over and started freaking out when it started in on its hacking again.

Lucky for me my dad was feeling charitable this weekend and while the girls where with their dad he took it down to the pound to be put out of its misery, hopefully. I know it’s harsh, but I’ve been through enough feline leukemia to know when to recognize it, and it was staring me down this weekend.

Ella was sick on Sunday. Seemed a bit odd, just a fever, headache and extreme narcolepsy. No, not really, but for the child that refuses naps daily, it seemed a bit odd to me. I stayed home with her on Monday (after having to explain to Lainey what happened to “her cat”, can we say awkward?) Anyway after running the gambit on maladies for Ella I finally got her into the doctor, to find she had…drumroll please….strep throat for like the hundredth time this year. I mean seriously the girl uses the stickers from the doctor like badges of honor… 15 in all, she’s so proud…. Finally I said to the doctor, “this is getting a little ridiculous, I mean we like you and all, but I see you more than I do my best friend.” Result? Tonsils out. Peace.

Back to the cat story, Lainey has now been hounding me all week for a kitten. Her dad said we could have one from their farm and I had agreed, but then changed my mind. I think I have commitment issues, I mean that’s a lot of responsibility I’ve had like 500 times in my life. I only had a husband once, and I ow I’m never going there again, so why would I want to try something ONE more time, like its going to change? Call me a glutton….or stupid, whichever… It’s not like its a husband or something…. Really, I mean please…

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Like if you root for the underdog (and by underdog, I mean me…)

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of blogs and articles from women who have gotten divorced in the past couple of years, and I have to tell you, I’m a little bummed out.  All of these women are talking about how two years out of it they feel so free and amazing and great, and I don’t particularly.  Not trying to sound bitter or spoiled, I have learned to actually like life again, it’s just not all rockets and single-hood awesomeness.  Let’s face it, I’m still living in my parent’s basement with my two children, I do have a job, so that’s a plus, but some days I feel like I’m working in an office that speaks a foreign language, I have no money, and spend it like, well, not as bad as I use to, but there is still vast room for improvement.

I’m not sure if it’s just my personality working against me, or my perpetual depression, but I can get really excited in the short run about life, but after a while the sparkle wears off and I’m right back wondering what the point is again.

I’m still rooting for me though.  A few months back, I said to my family, “Don’t you always just want to root for the underdog?”, to which my mom replied, “No, no not really.”

Well that kind of burst my bubble a bit, but I still haven’t changed my personal view.  I think we should root for the underdog.  Maybe it’s the Cub fan in me, but I still believe that an underdog can succeed because someone does root for them.  All it takes is a little belief from others and big stuff can happen, probably, I mean maybe, or not in my lifetime, but eventually, right?  (Because now I’m thinking in terms of the good ole’ Cubbies…and I have to be realistic, it might not ever happen in my lifetime, but maybe my kid’s lifetime?)

Anyway, I think we are supposed to root for the underdog. Who are we to judge someone else?  Why are they any less likely to succeed than the rest of us?  Just because they are different? Or because life’s circumstances have dictated otherwise?  Aren’t we all capable of something?  Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Wow, that really puts it into perspective for me. Now I just have to find out what my genius is.  And a little rooting for the underdog wouldn’t help either, so if you’re rooting, you could “like” this post.  😉

Yes, God I know you’re still there…(ya ass…)

Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox from Batman Begins.

Yes, I picture God as Morgan Freeman, It just makes him that much more personable to me…               Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox from Batman Begins. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So some of you who follow me on a regular basis may remember a post I wrote months ago entitled, Irony is saying you don’t want to do something and then God calls and is all like oh yes you will. Well, just this week God once again peeked his little ol’ head back in, you know, just to remind me he IS still there…

Now, I really shouldn’t admit this, innocent as it is, but I’m going to, and then nobody is EVER going to mention it to me again. If you can’t follow this one rule, then stop reading right now….

Still here? (Mom, you’d better be long gone by now!!!!) Good.

So I stopped at the gas station Tuesday morning to fill up before I officially ran out of money, which I had some in my checking account, but probably not enough to cover filling it all of the way up. I had a check that I needed to deposit at lunch and so I figured I’d use one of my old tricks and write a check to fill it up and have the check in the bank by lunchtime.

Unfortunately, my worse nightmare came true, and the machine at the station wouldn’t take my check.  I have to tell you, I think I may have shit myself a little bit because my mom was out-of-town at a workshop and the only other person I could have called would have been my dad and that would have been BAD.  They ran it twice, but to no avail.  My bank is on the other side of town, so it’s not like I could have run and deposited the check and then ran back (if they even would have let me do that, which I don’t think they do anymore). Anyway, the girl was like, “Don’t you have a debit card?” I said yes, but I explained my dilemma about needing to deposit the check and said I didn’t know if the card would run through.  (In fact I was 100% sure it wouldn’t, because it never does.) I said she could try it, and what the hell?!?! It WORKED!!!! I was all like, “This is the BEST day of my entire life! I am so LUCKY!!!” The girl was all laughing at me and I left on cloud nine thinking, “God, ya had my back on that one, thanks! But really? That’s where you decide to pop your head in?”

I figured my support check or my refund on my school loans must have cleared my account early, but when I got to work and checked, there wasn’t even enough in there to cover the debit! THAT NEVER HAPPENS! Shit y’all, what the hell. It was God, like a nail in the coffin.  He’s such a kidder. Really, of all the things, but really, thanks God, I owe ya one!

Dammit Jim!

McCoy

Who said that? This guy…                          McCoy (Photo credit: The Rocketeer)

I work with a guy whose name is Jim.  I can’t tell you how many times I have left for the night and said, “Night Jim,” when I think it would be so much more awesome to say, “Dammit Jim, I’m a teacher, not an architect!” I think of the “Dammit Jim” line each and every night when I leave work, and I have to say I chalk it up to the stupid things that have stuck with me from my marriage.  As we speak I’m filing this in my memory bank under “useless things I picked up while married to my ex”. These and more are the random idiosyncrasies I have learned through spending eight years with a man.  I would have to say, even today, I am still a Star Trek fan, I love stupid movies like Anchorman, and Happy Gilmore, and get super psyched when I have the opportunity to use a quote from said movies.

It makes me wonder how many other of these quirks have stuck with me that make me seem odd or crazy. I have begun to realize that I’m just odd normally. I think, anyway.  I get all flustered when I have to talk to other people or socialize, and I only really appreciate spending time with close friends, because hey, they know all of this about me and they still hang out with me.  It makes me think that I probably won’t broaden my horizons much more than I have to this point.  It’s just too painful and awkward. So, to those of you who are already my friends, settle in and get ready for the long haul! You’re in it with me – sorry… 😉

I need an intervention…did I say intervention? I meant vodka. I need vodka…

Absolut Vodka.

Absolut Vodka. My Favorite (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ugh, I’m feeling fed up with my bad ass self. And I don’t mean bad in a good way. Bad in an “if I don’t get a make over intervention soon I may black out all of the mirrors in my house” kind of way. I know, I know, its all about how I perceive myself and if I put some effort blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhblhbhhhhh schmergidy schmergin,..shut it.  I’ve never been good at finding acceptable work clothes to wear or the art of putting on makeup nicely, or the art of doing my hair without becoming so enraged with it that I finally just cut it all off…. yeah that’s happened. And I don’t mean just cut it off. I meant shaved. Yep, twice.  So I figure, since I have financial limitations and look horribly put together, someone should enter me in one of those ‘what not to wear things’, or ‘weight loss magic and then we give you a make over’ contests! Oooo, and while we’re on the subject can we get that home make over show to come over and re-build me a house, or just build me a house? I’m pretty sure I have a GREAT story.  Anyone? Anyone?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. God helps those and all.. Maybe instead I just need a drink. Everything looks better after a drink right? Maybe I should just start slipping drinks to everyone around me and then they will think I look better!  Haha, problem solved. Thank you vodka, I knew I loved you…

My Grown Up Christmas List

So, something on the lighter side, I’ve decided to write a personal wish list for Santa this year.  Hopefully he won’t find it too precocious of me to ask for all that I am.  I can do with just a few things, or one, or all… whatever he feels I’ve earned this year…

  • I would like new breaks for the van, also some new tires, an alignment and rotation would be nice, also heated seats… um, geesh, this is getting pretty complicated… how about just getting me a new car?  That might be easier…
  • My own personal version of myself, the one who goes to other people’s homes and cleans it up the way I would like my own home cleaned (or the way I have in the past)… but one that came everyday to clean up after everyone in the house… and for free.
  • Ohhh, oh… my own house would be great, but without the house payment… that would be bad…
  • How about a job?  This might be easier considering I could then take care of all of the other above requests… but please make it something I would like and would look forward to doing everyday, and something that has a hefty paycheck to support above requests… and also something that doesn’t go against my personal moral judgement…
  • A tummy tuck and boob job would be nice, you know, just a booster for my self-esteem… clean up the rough spots, make me look presentable… because then  I could maybe catch a sugar daddy like I’ve been talking about, and again, this list would become irrelevant.
  • A new wardrobe, one that fits nicely and follows Trisha’s criteria of “appropriate” office attire…

Not to sound too selfish, I will add some stuff in here that isn’t for me…

  • Yearly wardrobes for the girls in the appropriate sizes, preferably outfits that have cute coordinating pieces, and cute accessories so my kids don’t look like rag-a-muffins anymore…
  • Gifts for all of the other people in my life besides the girls, because they are really the only ones I bought for this year, and they probably aren’t going to be too happy because it’s not quite up to the same standards of years past, in which case I would like the gift of appreciation for them so they can accept graciously what they do receive…

That should about cover it… oh, the most important, I almost forgot!  World peace and an end to hunger… and for an end to assholishness.  That would be really awesome.  And some karma… that’d be cool too… I’d better stop now… thanks, and I love you, I’m really a big fan… I’ll stop kissing ass now, no really….

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