Category Archives: Sh*t my Kids Do

Seriously?

Daily Dose of Ella

Just in case you needed a reminder of how to view your iPad…

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Or conduct a successful and enjoyable phone conference…

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Consider yourself learned…

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My night in a nutshell….

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How did this happen exactly?

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I’m pretty sure I have commitment issues…

This week has been incredibly insane judging by the fact that I should have been writing this post three days ago, but am just getting to it now… Lainey found a stray cat last week and insisted we keep it. Oddly enough, despite my cat whispering abilities I told her no, I just couldn’t bring myself to handle that much added responsibility. Beside the fact that my cat whispering abilities told me that the cat was extremely ill, and probably only had days to live… Even Ella said, “that cat is going to puke and die.”

Every time I went out for a smoke I felt as if it were judging me, all coughing and gagging, like my smoking was causing it to hack up a lung. It was so uncomfortable I just gave up, until Trisha came over and started freaking out when it started in on its hacking again.

Lucky for me my dad was feeling charitable this weekend and while the girls where with their dad he took it down to the pound to be put out of its misery, hopefully. I know it’s harsh, but I’ve been through enough feline leukemia to know when to recognize it, and it was staring me down this weekend.

Ella was sick on Sunday. Seemed a bit odd, just a fever, headache and extreme narcolepsy. No, not really, but for the child that refuses naps daily, it seemed a bit odd to me. I stayed home with her on Monday (after having to explain to Lainey what happened to “her cat”, can we say awkward?) Anyway after running the gambit on maladies for Ella I finally got her into the doctor, to find she had…drumroll please….strep throat for like the hundredth time this year. I mean seriously the girl uses the stickers from the doctor like badges of honor… 15 in all, she’s so proud…. Finally I said to the doctor, “this is getting a little ridiculous, I mean we like you and all, but I see you more than I do my best friend.” Result? Tonsils out. Peace.

Back to the cat story, Lainey has now been hounding me all week for a kitten. Her dad said we could have one from their farm and I had agreed, but then changed my mind. I think I have commitment issues, I mean that’s a lot of responsibility I’ve had like 500 times in my life. I only had a husband once, and I ow I’m never going there again, so why would I want to try something ONE more time, like its going to change? Call me a glutton….or stupid, whichever… It’s not like its a husband or something…. Really, I mean please…

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When the kids go back to school…mental instability ensues… or a plethora of memos…

So, I actually had to look back at my posts from last September, but yes, yes this has happened before… My children have reached the bottom of the murky caldron of complete and utter insanity just from a simple little thing like having to go back to school.  If it were just the going back to school it might be alright, but when you add visitations, swim lessons, birthdays, choir practice and so much more into the mix… it really makes the murky caldron all that much worse.

Hence, a return to conformity and routine is making a comeback in our house this week.  There is SO much less television it’s almost hilarious… Their father is the food nazi, I am now the TV nazi.  You want to watch TV?  No TV for you!

I just want to loud noises to stop in all honesty.  So instead of doing my homework assignment last night, here is what I did instead.  Turns out it just has to be in paper form for them to think it’s written in stone.  Guess I’m going to have to start sending memos… Yeah, did you get that memo?

This is what happens when they push me over the edge…

And if you want to actually read them… MORNING SCHEDULEEVENING SCHEDULE, and CHORES!

Anyone else having random bursts of hormones in their family?

Geesh, it’s been a rough couple of weeks at our house.  I think we are pushing my dad over the edge.  The girls have had major, crazy mood swings that had me putting them to bed early tonight.  Anyone else???

I’m starting to become a bit defensive about Lainey’s constant barrage that I baby Ella and not her.  (In a whiny voice that could curdle milk…) “You always baby Ella, you never baby me because I’m older.  I got a cut on my finger at girl scouts and had to sit through the WHOLE meeting until I could go home to get a band-aid for it, but you talk so nice to Ella blah, blah, blah, schmergitty schmergin…”

Of course I let her have it tonight, nicely, but none-the-less told her until her attitude got an adjustment she could count TV out after school and could start getting her homework done and then read until I got home from work.  The whole time this is going on in the car I’m just sitting there with my head on the steering wheel waiting for the light and thinking, really? This is why people want to have kids? (Just kidding, love them, but you can’t win for trying!)

I’m going to start going with the attitude that unless they are saying I’m the worst mom in the world, I’m not doing a good job.  Girls. I don’t know what to do with them, and it’s only going to get worse!

I don’t know what I will do when we move to our own place, but I don’t think I will have to worry about that for a while. Yes, I am still living in my parent’s basement, but I’m embracing it… waaah, waaah, waaah…..

Haha, on a brighter note today, I got a search engine term for “self-absorbed” hahaha!

I deserve the mother of the year award…

Once again that dirty word has crept its way back into my world.  I can’t escape it. I blame “The Family“. At the next Academy of Parenthood award show I will be nominated for mother of the year.  Here’s why:

Tonight while giving the children baths, one of the children pooped in, on, and around the tub.  I’m not going to name which one it was, but the other is to blame, because as sure as the sun will come out tomorrow, this child decided for the SECOND time in two minutes, that she  HAD to go to the bathroom AGAIN while the other was in the tub. So needless to say, when the other was soaking in a nice warm bath, she had to “do her business”, and the other was already on the throne.  Mirolax is the devils tool, and I blame it too.

I deserve the Mother of the Year award because I cleaned it all up with minimal yelling, crying, and throwing up, well, no throwing up, but  the feeling came to me a time or two.  I may or may not have suggested I blamed the other child, but seeing as how they don’t get sarcasm or implied meanings I’m pretty sure they didn’t get it.  This is aside from the fact that they were both home from school today sick, and they have been on steroids or something because they are C-R-A-Z-Y, with a capital C.

Afterwards I went down to the gas station to get a soda and a pack of smokes and my mom didn’t even say a word.  I’m pretty sure it’s because I deserved a liter and some Jack to go with it, while I smoke an entire pack.

Notice the irony of this post being filed under Sh*t my Kids Do… it’s got to be a full moon again…

Shopping with children is strongly discouraged…

I took the girls to the mall this weekend to buy them Christmas dresses, and in the process reminded myself why we don’t go shopping together more often.  In all honesty they did pretty good considering they are too big for  strollers and we had to navigate on escalators.  Ella is scared of them, but Lainey is scared of elevators so there isn’t much one can do about it.  Besides the fact that Lainey doesn’t really like going out in public, AT ALL.

We went to Macy’s and found a dress for Ella and a sweater for Lainey, but then Ella needed a sweater to go with her dress, and of course, Lainey needed a dress.  So, we headed down to JC Penney to see what we could find.  Just as we find Lainey a dress, Ella declares she needs to go to the bathroom, RIGHT THAT MINUTE. Ok, so we start walking to the back of the store and it’s like we are moving in slow motion… I look around for Ella and she’s sauntering behind.  I’m like, didn’t you have to go to the bathroom? Yeah. Ok, well, do you think we could maybe get there, like today? Yeah, I’m coming…  Oooo-kay…

finally we get there but you can’t take merchandise into the bathroom with you so Lainey says she’ll stand right outside with the dress, Ella goes in, and I stand at the door listening to her.  Then she insists that she can’t reach the sink to wash her hands, sanitizer will NOT do, and so we take another 5 minutes washing hands and what not…

Finally we make our purchases and head back to Macy’s where there is a Clinique makeup lady waiting for some unsuspecting patron to pounce on.  I give her one look, that says it all, like, seriously lady, if you want to watch my children for 20 minutes while I get a make over go right ahead, but I am not going to be responsible for the impending doom that my youngest will reek on your store.  Did I mention Ella likes to hid in the clothes racks?  Makes for an interesting shopping trip.  100 feet to the door and Ella starts in on how her legs hurt and they won’t work anymore and can’t I just carry her?  She weighs a whooping 50 lbs, so no, I will not carry you.  And they wonder why they don’t ever get to pick out their clothes…

I had to go home and take a nap after that…

I’m going to have to become a closet Phineas and Ferb watcher…

 So, my children have sent me so over the edge that I have to take many of the TV shows they watch away from them, because frankly, I just think it causes them to act like moronic imbeciles who think they control the world, or the world in our house. Here is the schedule I sent to their father entitled “The Smackdown”. I didn’t include the entire e-mail, because there are just some things I shouldn’t share with the general public on my blog.

(I have highlighted my favorite parts in bold italics…)

3:45 – 4:15 Lainey comes home/snack/free time (no TV or DS)

4:15 – 5:15 Homework, includes: writing all spelling words and must re-write any she misses or asks for prompts on five times each(ie: “fl” is that right?), practice addition flash cards (especially focusing on the “doubles”, 2+2, 5+5, 7+7…) She needs to start memorizing facts. Ella can do something quietly like coloring or at home we have a preschool activity book that she can work in, or read books or something like that.

5:15 – 5:30 Set table, get ready for dinner

5:30 – 6:00 dinner/clean up

6:00 – 6:30 Baths/ Read a book – she needs to be reading at least 20 minutes each night.  She is so “starved” for “together time” this would be a good time for her to sit down with one of us and read.

6:30 – 7:00 (if it was bath night she can read at this time, Ella could listen as well) if not they can have some free play time

7:00 – 7:30 watch TV (Nick Junior, or Sprout – no Sponge Bob Square Pants, Johnny Test, and, yes, it pains me to say it…Phineas and Ferb,  or anything else that will get them riled up. If all else fails I can send Baby Einstein and they can be forced to watch that, however, they will probably enjoy it more than anything else, because they are just that twisted…)

7:30 in bed, they are allowed to read or look at books, but absolutely no DS until they can get themselves back under control.  I was giving them about 20 minutes or so, but until behavior improves, no DS unless for a reward or on the weekends.

8:00 Lights out

As you can see, they have lost anything fun until their tyrannical raid comes to an end. Moshi Monsters was the first to go, and I can’t tell you how relieved I am to get that life sucking game off my back. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I do not deal with terrorists, and until they reform there is little they can do to make me change my mind. Personally, “I would like to see the shrieking, screaming, demanding, temper tantrums, back talk, disrespect, excuse making, and antagonizing each other gone.” (I have some pretty wicked audio files of temper tantrums on my phone I’m planning on making into a CD to make them listen to in the car on trips to town.)

“They are going to cry and whine that they are bored and they hate me, but I’m pretty sure they will get creative (in finding stuff to do) if needed. They complain that I don’t do things with them or spend time with them, but honestly when they have me running around like a chicken with my head cut off doing anything and everything for them, I really have very little energy, nor do I feel like taking time out to spend with their snotty asses. I know it sounds harsh, but things have really gotten out of hand.”

Of course the drawback is I LOVE, and I mean LOVE Phineas and Ferb.  I just feel that their crack induced sister Candace is somewhat of a bad influence on them.  (Read more about Candace here) I mean Phineas and Ferb work so hard to teach kids to use their imagination and promote discovery and invention that this country is in dire need of these days, not to mention trying to motivation kids to do something with their time during summer break (but I digress…) That Candace though, I can hear Lainey, “Mom, Ella’s creating a title sequence again…” Seriously Candace? Give it a break! Why can’t you just let them have their fun and then we could continue to watch good wholesome television without having to worry about our children planning revenge on each other and screeching to their moms about what you KNOW is not going to be there when you get her to the backyard!!!! I mean really, how much longer are you going to keep up this charade? Will you ever go to college? That would be totally awesome because then I would only have to deal with the backlash from Dr. Doosensmirf and that guy I can handle because all of his evil plans to take over the tri-state area are totally lame.

So that being said… I will have to resort to watching Phineas and Ferb while sneaking my sweet treats away from prying eyes in the closet from now on.  Although it’s going to get mighty tough trying to hid in the closet with a 42 inch flat screen, but where there’s a will, there’s a way…

Bedtime is a nightmare…

I’ve explained how my daughter has chronic anxiety, so naturally you can assume that bedtime in our house is a nightmare.  I have taken to letting my youngest fall asleep alone in my bed, because without fail, each night, Lainey and I end up having a blow out around 10 o’clock. It never fails, I’ve tried everything – to no avail. The doctor suggested having every possible request taken care of before she even goes to bed.  This is our “routine”:

Before bed they are allowed to watch TV or play, they get hot chocolate, then to bed, read a book, drink of water, go to the bathroom, change of PJs because we are either too hot or too cold, fan in the room to cool her down, brown bear, blankets up, blankets down, and a lot of other stuff in between.

Last night was no different, probably because it had been an anxiously charged day.  As I sat at my computer waiting for a moment I could log on and post a discussion on my online business course (because I can’t log on when she is still awake due to the never ending requests and my account logging me off because I haven’t done anything for a while) I thought of this book, Go the Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach.  There is an audio version on YouTube read by Samuel L. Jackson which is awesome, because he is totally the person I could imagine reading this book.

If you are easily offended, please refrain from listening, but if you are a parent that struggles with bedtime, seriously, listen to it!  You will be laughing and crying at the same time because there is finally something or someone that agrees with you that you are not alone, nor are you crazy…

The Bus

So, for those of you who know my daughter, you know the first time on the bus was going to probably be a BIG DEAL.  My oldest daughter probably had the hardest time with our divorce last year, but it was a slow developed reaction. Granted, some of the behaviors that came from this life altering change in her life were there before. For example, her fear of places closing and her getting locked in.  This one was HUGE!!! For the entire summer there were very few places we could go, and if we did by some odd miracle get her somewhere, we would have to leave early because she melted down. We couldn’t even go to a park, especially if it had gates, because she was sure it would lock and we wouldn’t be able to get out.

The bus coming down the hill!

Last year school was a rough transition for her with lots of meltdowns, low self-esteem, and a lot of struggling academically.  So this year when I finally made the decision to send her to the same public school that I had gone to so many years ago, I was a nervous wreck. Seriously, I was at my brother’s when the deal was sealed, and you would have thought I was going to knowingly kill her best friend.

Needless to say, despite all of the heart wrenching transitions we have had to make with her, this decision she took in stride and with a zeal that I have never before seen in her.  After telling her and seeing her experience Meet your Teacher and the first days of school, I can honestly say that I will never again doubt her ability to rise to the occasion.  I also learned a lot about my behavior and how it affects her and will work my hardest to never again let her see my own fear and anxieties.

This is Lainey doing her "fishing" dance to "catch" the bus!!!

The bus was the one exception. We knew it was going to be BIG. Her and I discussed it at length and had come to the agreement that I would take her the first week, but after that she would begin riding the bus.  Because of visitation, her dad had them on Monday and Tuesday morning, and not wanting to make it confusing for the bus driver I decided to wait until Wednesday to give her the full effect of riding the bus in the morning and afternoon.  It was a good thing too. It just so happened that I got the opportunity to talk to the bus driver on Tuesday when I went to school to pick her up.  I’m pretty sure it was his first year as a bus driver, especially on this route, because when I asked him about the street we lived on he acted as if he had no idea what I was talking about.  After about three minutes of a confusing discussion which got us no where, another of the bus drivers came up and explained where I was talking about.  He made some comment like “Oh! That’s the road I kept missing!” Crap. I assured him we would be out in front when he went up the hill, that way he would have an idea of where to stop.

This morning the first words out of my daughters mouth when she woke up were, “I don’t want to ride the bus, I DON’T WANT TO RIDE THE BUS!!!” After some prodding and insisting that it was no big deal, and that she was going to try it today no matter what I got her going. Then at breakfast we made jokes about how she was going to “catch” the bus and danced the fishing dance.  We went out, the bus driver went up the hill (pretty sure without even seeing us) and came down and stopped at our house.

There she goes!!!

When he saw me he said, “Hey! I met you yesterday!” Yep, Francis, glad you remembered. I was most worried about her coming back home, but 2:30pm like clock work he dropped her off again.  We do highs and lows at dinnertime, and you guessed it, her high was riding the bus. Said she was going to ride the bus from now on. My favorite of this entire story is the picture I got when she got off the bus this afternoon.  Pay attention to the bus driver in the background. Priceless.

She made it!! But my favorite is the bus driver, check it out!

 

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