Category Archives: Why, yes. Yes I am crazy…

Follow me through my mental deficiencies and such…

Look at my barren field….

6npyrf2I’ve been struggling for the past few, well, weeks, months, years, decades… For someone who wants people to like her so much, I should really stop being such a bitch. I’m finding myself frustrated with nearly everything lately. Irritability is a bitch.

Work,

Money,

People,

Weight loss,

All of the above, please.

 

As I so often do, I was thinking at work today while trying to maintain my anger management issues, how I’m really not a nice person.  I talk about myself too much, I don’t worry about others enough, I’m irresponsible, and irritating.  I have no will-power, I’m ungrateful for what I have.  The list could go on, and on…

So, to counter-act the tail spin that would likely result from this bout of self-loathing, I’m taking it upon myself to make this blog a thankful journal for the remaining month of December.  For each day I will write at least a short post to remind myself of all that I have to be thankful for.  I thought about posting about positive things about myself, but I would have to have positive things to say about myself, and I don’t right now.  Maybe in a couple of weeks I will have mindfully proven to myself that I can be a good and kind person, and then I can spend a month writing a positive affirmation blog month about that. But for now I need to get my head out of my ass and stop being lost in my barren field of f*cks I don’t give and get my shit together.

Wish me luck!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… or not…

schoolsuppliesSo, I am going to do something I probably shouldn’t do, but I’m going to anyway because I had one helluva experience this weekend that I haven’t had since my oldest was in first grade.

My bestie and I were on an errand from God on Sunday.  1.) Because she was getting a new phone after almost chucking hers out the window because it wouldn’t text and other highly necessary operations that are a must for the technically connected… and 2.) because the monster needed his school supplies and there would be no other time to do it in their busy schedule before Meet Your Teacher night later in the week.

She was feeling oddly bad for me because I would be standing around in a phone store looking longingly at the phones that I couldn’t afford because I’m painfully poor and am days away from having a really professional and good paying job which will actually put me back in the economy’s middle class ranking, so she suggested we divide and conquer to make things move a little faster and be more productive.  I would drop her off at the phone store then run and get the school supplies.  Sounds easy, right?  I was excited because I don’t go with the girls, their grandmother is extremely generous in offering each year to buy their supplies for them, so I would get the experience without the stress of it being with my own children arguing over Hello Kitty folders and Frozen backpacks.

No.

No, that’s not even what happened.  When I walked into the store the school supplies were directly in front of me and the mass chaos that was ensuing was both shocking and eye-opening to me as a parent as well as a teacher.

And here is where I revolt from my fellow teachers and throw them all to the wolves.  Because we are BAD people.  I mean bad, as in were are definitely going to hell bad.

I walk up to the school lists and begin to read, thinking, not too bad, not horrible. But then I start searching for the items and realize, these are really specific items being requested on this list. (5) folders, but they must be red, blue, green, yellow, and purple. I get the plastic folders because I know my friend’s son and I think, “hey, he won’t be able to destroy these, at least not easily, right?” So I start looking for the appropriate colors and find all but a yellow.

I am defiant by nature, so when I can’t find a yellow in the plastic version I refuse to switch to the paper version.  It’s just principle now. So I get orange instead.  It’s in the yellow family, a secondary color created by its primary counter parts yellow and red.  Orange will be the new yellow.

Next I had to find specific amounts of crayons, markers, and colored pencils.  Lets be honest, none of the amounts he was supposed to have were correct, me being a teacher I’m thinking, “More is better, right?” 36 colored pencils instead of 24, 10 markers instead of 8, what could 2 additional colors hurt?

Then came the dry erase markers. I don’t disagree with the purchase of these, but when the girls are specified to bring “fine tip” and the boys “chisel tip” I draw the line.  Last time I’m brought dry erasers chisel tip was the norm so I’m thinking easy peasy. Nope, apparently fine tip is all the rage these days.  Stupid, chisel I can make a fat line or a thin line, best of both worlds, but apparently higher education is more specific in their instruction of new teachers these days.  When I was in college we had to practice writing on CHALK BOARDS people.  CHALK BOARDS.  I have a strong aversion to chalk boards.  Like I’m gonna puke if even one squeak comes from a piece of chalk and God FORBID someone scratch their nails on it. I’m gagging as we speak just thinking of it…

At this point I begin to notice I’m walking the aisle mumbling to myself, “Crayons, crayons, pointed tipped scissors, magic erasers. What the f*ck is a Magic Eraser? ”  Over and over again. I think, “People are gonna start staring, so I’d better keep it together.” But then I realize all of these other parents are doing the same thing!

One guys walking down the aisle going, “Oh God, oh God…”, another is mumbling, “Stupid, stupid, stupid…”. I heard a mother say to her daughter, “You’d better make this fridge and microwave last you all four years.”

I ran into another mom looking for a specific brand of pencils.  I directed her to the correct spot, then asked, “Do you know what a magic eraser is?”

“No clue.”

“I’m actually a teacher and I have no idea what it is..” She looks at me with a mixture of hatred and pity and I scurry away.

The breaking point was the crayons.  I was in need of a 24 pack, but could only get the 8 count jumbo size or the 128 mega pack and I figured I’d have one pretty pissed off third grader gunning for me if I brought either of these home.  After angry Snapchats and rantings to my bestie, I stoop about as low as I could go on this “damned from the beginning” pilgrimage and nab a pack out of a pre-packed bag for patrons to purchase for underprivileged school students.  A new low for sure.

As I made my way back to the phone store to pick her up, I was reviewing what purchases might not be actually kosher with the teacher figuring the orange folder might be a bit of a stretch, but surely it couldn’t make that much of a difference right?  Wrong.  I was promptly informed that last year the items that weren’t correct were sent home with a note stating they were not acceptable and new items must be purchased. In fact, she informed me that she fully expected to be back out re-buying all of these same supplies the week after school started because generally half of them weren’t correct.

I was outraged.  I told her if the teacher made a peep she should let me know and I would be up at that school the next day having it out with her.  She insisted it really wasn’t worth it and that buying all new supplies was in turn, much easier.

OMG.

Today she posts this blog from People I Want to Punch in the Throat on my wall about school supplies and teachers.  People I Want to Punch in the Throat found it came from Ginny over at Praying to Darwin and its PURE GENIUS.


 

For all you Mommies dealing with this shit right now, cheers!

School Supplies
by XXXXXXXXXXXX on Monday, September 7, 20xx at 10:31am
************************************************
Dear Mrs. X:
In just over a week, you will be my son’s Grade 1 teacher. He is ever so excited to be under your tutelage. Why, since the last day of kindergarten, entering your class was all he could talk about. He gleefully thrust a piece of paper into my hand on that June afternoon, and said, “Here’s a list of the stuff I need for school next September!”
And I have to admit, I, too, was excited. I’m a school supplies geek from way back. And so, in early August, I set out to buy the items you’d listed. It was on my fourth store that the realization began to sink in.
You’re a crafty bitch, aren’t you?
This list was a thinly disguised test. Could I find the items, exactly as you’d prescribed? Because if not, my son would be That Kid, the one with the Problem Mother, Who Can’t Follow Directions.
For example, the glue sticks you requested. In the 40 gram size. Three of the little buggers. (What kind of massive, sticky project you’ve got planned for the first day of school that would require the students to bring all this glue, I cannot imagine.) But the 40 gram size doesn’t come in a convenient 3-pack. The 30 gram size does. But clearly, those would be wildly inappropriate. So I got the individually priced 40’s, as per your instructions.
Another bit of fun was your request for 2 packs of 8 Crayola crayons (basic colors). The 24 packs, with their 24 *different* colors, sat there, on sale. I could have purchased *three* of the 24 packs for the price I had to pay for the 8 packs. (Clearly, you’ll not be teaching the youngsters any sort of economics lessons this year.) Even the cashier looked at me, as if to say, “Pardon me, ma’am, but are you slow?” as I purchased these non-bargain crayons. But that’s what the list said. And I was committed to following the list.
But the last item, well, now, you saved your malice up for that one, didn’t you? “8 mm ruled notebooks”, you asked for. Simple enough. Except the standard size is “seven” millimetres. One. Millimetre. Difference. Do you realize, Mrs. X., exactly how infinitesimal the difference between 7 mm ruling and 8 mm ruling is? Pretty small, I assure you. The thickness of a fingernail, approximately. But that millimetre, that small bit of nothingness, made me drive to four different stores, over the course of three sweaty August hours. And when I finally, finally found the last remaining 8 mm notebooks, I took no pleasure in my victory. I merely shifted my focus. To you, Mrs. X.
You wanna dance, lady? Let’s dance.
Because I am just batshit crazy enough to play your games. And, in turn, come up with some of my own.
On show and share day, my son will be bringing the video of his birth. It will be labelled, “Ben’s First Puppy.” Enjoy.
He will be given a list of words, and daily, he will ask you what they mean. Words such as “pedophile”, “anti-semite”, and “skank”. Good luck with those.
At some point, you will attempt to teach him mathematics. And I’m quite sure that, like most of your ilk, you will require my son to “show his work”. And he will. Through interpretive dance.
Because that is who you’ve chosen to tangle with, toots. A stay at home mom who is not entirely balanced, and has altogether too much time on her hands. But is, most certainly, A Mother Who Can Follow Directions.
Sincerely,
Ben’s Mom

Oh yeah, ladies, I’m with you all the way…

My night in a nutshell….

20140304-070633.jpg

20140304-070644.jpg
How did this happen exactly?

20140304-070729.jpg

More random texts that prove we need our own reality show…

Some nights we like to get movie theater popcorn while watching movies at home. Yes, we’re crazy like that… This insued after I got the popcorn…

20140226-202917.jpg

20140226-202933.jpg

Saturday mornings we go to breakfast, but no one else moves quite as quickly as we prefer…

20140226-203017.jpg

20140226-203026.jpg

20140226-203107.jpg

20140226-203116.jpg

This one may be a little confusing as you’ll see I had to delete part of the message because of information that just doesn’t need to be shared EVER again…

20140226-203124.jpg

20140226-203131.jpg

This one because I confused the song played in Shrek Ever After, Live and Let Die, for November Rain when discussing who sang it originally. (FYI – I know Guns and Roses sang November Rain originally and The Beatles Live and Let Die).

The second part is just #everydaywhovianproblems, because yeah, that happens!

20140226-203140.jpg

I Date Celebraties… in my head.

Not sure if you knew this about me or not, but figured I’d share because blogs are all about sharing strange idiosyncrasies right? And where in the hell is the spell check on this thing?  (later – found it)IMG_1398

Anyway, yes.  I started out dating Channing Tatum. If you’re my friend on Facebook you may have seen my pic with him a few times. Pretty awesome.

Then I saw The Avengers and sh*t hit the fan so to speak.  Thor. Need I say more?  I created a new pin board on Pinterest titled “My NEW Boyfriend”, because well, Channing just wasn’t cooperating what with all the roles he was working on and the small matter of a wife.. and new child. Yeah, that kind of put a damper on things. So I said goodbye Channing, hello Chris. (Hemsworth in case you were wondering.)

IMG_1399Speaking of, apparently Chris, aka Thor, has a wife and child as well.  Didn’t get the memo we were dating I guess. His loss.

BUT. I’ve found the perfect match.  The others were all young and married with kids and all that other baggage and stuff. But now I’ve discovered this weirdly odd man who is adorable (he grows on you), has a GREAT voice, AND BONUS is BRITISH! He plays a high functioning sociopath on a completely awesome show that has some seriously wicked British humor, I love British humor, and its written by some people who write a show about my hero and role model (time travel).  It’s fate because he’s my age and isn’t married.  Ha! And I never have to actually meet him.  He’s like George Glass on The Brady Bunch. (Google it.) I can totally rationalize it in my head because it’s plausible, but it most likely won’t ever come to anything, so I don’t have to commit! Yay!

Now lets examine why I would rather imaginary date this famous guy with a seriously weird last name instead of finding a nice run-of-the-mill guy closer to home and a little more realistic.  Basically put, I have high expectations.  For myself. And for the person I might possible date. Honestly, it’s not gonna happen, and if we’re honest I’m rocking this whole single thing pretty well, so why mess up a good thing when I can just pretend to be dating a guy who, in my mind, meets all of the expectations I have, or can just look good standing there while I peruse at my own leisure?  It seems win-win to me, although I’m not sure who’s on the other end of the win situation. It’s really just me.tumblr_m323mtwiP91qzpppc

Moral of the story: I’m still not gonna date anyone or ever get married again. Don’t push the issue. I’m perfectly happy in my unrealistic dream world, and no you can’t join.

Best Valentine’s Day EVER.

I’m Brick Tamland….Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48

Quite a few things have changed in my life again.  I am currently not working, again, and have changed my mind, yet again, about being a teacher.  So now I am applying for any job I can find in a school, minus crossing guard and lunch lady, but only because I don’t want to be Billy Madison’s stigma of a sloppy joe slinging lunch lady…

Anyway, I’ve been trying to find a nice medium between being a completely boring and unsure party and an over zealous, turret enthused psycho in my interviews as of late.  I had an awesome interview with a nice principal today who started off by saying there were no “right answers”, we were just going to have a conversation, if you will, and determine if I am the best fit for the job, and the job is the best fit for me.  It seemed quite refreshing to me at the time, then the conversation began.
brickHe began explaining the position, RTi experience, technology, keeping data records, AIMS Web testing etc. all of which I am well versed in.  The problem is I can’t find a happy medium between enthusiasm and confidence and looking a wee bit too crazy.  At several points I wanted to be like Brick Tamland and scream out, “I love lamp” or “LOUD NOISES!” because we were talking about things that I was good at, wanted to get more experience in, and I would actually have confidence in doing.

 

Principal: This position would require the candidate to have extensive computer skills with experience in AIMS Web testing and…

Me: Computers! I love computers! That’s ME!  I can do that, I have experience, I’m SO super psyched right now!!!

Principal: Um, ok. Well this position would be working with small groups, collaborating with teachers, and ….

Me: Oh My God. I LOVE working with other teachers and with kids in small groups.  I’m gonna pee my pants!

Principal: Yes, well, anyway, you would be required to work with tier II students and assess them bi-weekly, keeping track of the data and …

Me: DATA!!!!

Principal: Wow, ok. So, what do you know about math?

Me: LOVE IT!!!! I sit around all day working on math problems and then when my daughter gets home I work with her on her math, even if there isn’t any homework in math that night.  She loves it, I mean I love it, WE ALL LOVE IT!!!!

Principal: You must really love math…

Me: I LOVE MATH!

 

This isn’t really how the interview went, but in my head this was the only way I could think of conveying my interest and how well I felt I could fit into this position, aside for the “Yes, exactly, and frantic head bobbing I know I do when I’m interviewing for a position I know I would excel at.

Truth is I suck at interviews.  Give me the job description, tell me to plan out how I would execute said job, and then present it while having an in depth discussion about said methods and I can knock your pants off.  Give me something to explore and research and I can talk semantics all day.  I can PROVE I could do this job, but talking my self up and explaining my strong points, well, it’s just not my strong suit. Ask me how I would do something (that I’m knowledgable about) and I’m your girl.  That’s always what I want to say, “Look no further, I’m your girl.” But, alas, it doesn’t work that way.  So instead, I fumble through answers, because it’s been about a year – year and a half since I’ve been in the classroom, and let’s be honest, my last year in the classroom I was pretty incoherent and honestly my memory is pretty shot since I don’t recall much of my life pre-situation.  But one can hope for the best, and if they keep calling, I’ll keep interviewing…. maybe not Brick Tamland style, but I’ll give it my best…

I’m pretty sure I have commitment issues…

This week has been incredibly insane judging by the fact that I should have been writing this post three days ago, but am just getting to it now… Lainey found a stray cat last week and insisted we keep it. Oddly enough, despite my cat whispering abilities I told her no, I just couldn’t bring myself to handle that much added responsibility. Beside the fact that my cat whispering abilities told me that the cat was extremely ill, and probably only had days to live… Even Ella said, “that cat is going to puke and die.”

Every time I went out for a smoke I felt as if it were judging me, all coughing and gagging, like my smoking was causing it to hack up a lung. It was so uncomfortable I just gave up, until Trisha came over and started freaking out when it started in on its hacking again.

Lucky for me my dad was feeling charitable this weekend and while the girls where with their dad he took it down to the pound to be put out of its misery, hopefully. I know it’s harsh, but I’ve been through enough feline leukemia to know when to recognize it, and it was staring me down this weekend.

Ella was sick on Sunday. Seemed a bit odd, just a fever, headache and extreme narcolepsy. No, not really, but for the child that refuses naps daily, it seemed a bit odd to me. I stayed home with her on Monday (after having to explain to Lainey what happened to “her cat”, can we say awkward?) Anyway after running the gambit on maladies for Ella I finally got her into the doctor, to find she had…drumroll please….strep throat for like the hundredth time this year. I mean seriously the girl uses the stickers from the doctor like badges of honor… 15 in all, she’s so proud…. Finally I said to the doctor, “this is getting a little ridiculous, I mean we like you and all, but I see you more than I do my best friend.” Result? Tonsils out. Peace.

Back to the cat story, Lainey has now been hounding me all week for a kitten. Her dad said we could have one from their farm and I had agreed, but then changed my mind. I think I have commitment issues, I mean that’s a lot of responsibility I’ve had like 500 times in my life. I only had a husband once, and I ow I’m never going there again, so why would I want to try something ONE more time, like its going to change? Call me a glutton….or stupid, whichever… It’s not like its a husband or something…. Really, I mean please…

20121025-233248.jpg

It’s not you, it’s me…

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I allow my emotions to be affected by other people.  After I had my first child (the FIRST time my ex had cheated on me…but I had no idea, my bad…) my then husband and I landed in counseling because he believed I was “narcissistic” due to the fact that I always  felt it was my fault if he was angry, upset, sad, indifferent, etc. I can see how that would be a problem, and it isn’t normal, per se, to feel like other people’s moods are your “fault”, but I don’t know if I’d go so far as to classify myself narcissistic because of THAT, some other reason maybe, but not that…

Anyway, that’s something that has stuck with me for years, even after we were done with counselling and everything was “OK” (and I say that in the most sarcastic sense of the word…). It always bothered me, and I always had a difficult time keeping those lines of thought in check.  I had to become cleaver at deciphering what could be bothering him, especially when he didn’t tell me why (probably because he had a fight or something with his girlfriend, or was having a hard time thinking up a new “excuse” or… oh, sorry, was I rambling? My bad.)

This is something I still do today.  I mean I can fall into a depressive stupor faster than you can say, schmurgity schmurgin beause I project someone else’s mood back onto myself.  It’s unhealthy really. Maybe I am paranoid, THAT might be a better description of it, but I have begun to realize how CRAZY this is, let alone how CRAZY it makes me feel.  Do you know how tiring it is to walk around always thinking that you have done something to “upset” someone’s mood? VERY. It’s so closely related to that red eyed monster that constantly makes you wonder what other people are thinking about you, judging you, or saying behind your back.

Take for instance my “old life”… when I went through all of that crap I went through, I can honestly say I wasn’t myself.  I mean, I WAS myself, but the worst possible, crazy, wacked out, out of control version of myself possible.  And you know what?  I have forgiven myself.  I have seen many other people go through similar situations, and I can honestly say I don’t blame myself one bit.  Could I have handled myself differently?  Could I have been more mature, more of a grown up, more controlled? Sure. But that isn’t me. I just don’t function that way.  Not everyone reacts the same way to the same situations.

During that time, I had someone tell me they could read my emotions like a book, and one day they saw me walk down the hall with a sour look on my face. Really?  Do people have to walk around happy go lucky all of the time?  Do you KNOW how many times I have seen a disappointed, sour, disgusted look on a teachers face?  I DID go through 13+ years of school, then worked 10+ years in various schools.  It was daily people.  DAILY.  Maybe I had gas, or saw a bat in the hall for God sakes (YES that happened once), or cockroach!  My daughter, who went to the same school may have done something to piss me off.  Really?  It could have been any number of things, and really, I didn’t see too many of the other teachers skipping down the halls with flowers and friendship bracelets to hand out. (Maybe one, but that was normal for her….not the rest of us…).  I would actually walk around thinking, “How do they think I look now? Am I too sad? Too happy? Will my face ever stop hurting from smiling too much? Do they have hidden cameras in my house? Can I EVER be myself again???

The point is, there are many people out there that wear their emotions clearly for people to see.  Some people are so conscientious they don’t even seem to HAVE emotions.  Even more people tense up when faced with stress and look like they are walking around with a turd caught sideways.  Some people get really nervous and start to act like an idiot, or say stupid things because of anxiety.  Most of these I do on a regular basis. At that point and time my entire life had deflated in one small moment, so pardon me if I wasn’t all smiles and kitten farts for you.

My solution to this conundrum may sound really crazy to you, but you know what I do now?  I avoid people.  Seriously. Some people may honestly be my friends, and really like me, and in all reality it’s not them, it’s my perception of myself projected onto them, but it just gets tiring after a while.  It’s what brings me down.  I can’t take that kind of pressure.  So I joke around and smile with those that can take me for what I am at the moment, and try to act like everything else around me doesn’t exist.  And eventually it all falls back to the normal routine and I can function normally again, until the next bout of crazies come back, but this is my new coping mechanism.

The moral of the story is this:  if you haven’t seen me around or talked to me in a while, it may be because my crazy side thinks you think something not nice about me, or find me weird, or socially unacceptable, or annoying etc. On the other hand, it couldjust be that one of us is just really busy, or we work, or don’t live in the same town…

Bottom line: I’ll see you when things aren’t so busy, or when the crazies go back where they came from. It’s not you, it’s me
…. whew.

Like if you root for the underdog (and by underdog, I mean me…)

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of blogs and articles from women who have gotten divorced in the past couple of years, and I have to tell you, I’m a little bummed out.  All of these women are talking about how two years out of it they feel so free and amazing and great, and I don’t particularly.  Not trying to sound bitter or spoiled, I have learned to actually like life again, it’s just not all rockets and single-hood awesomeness.  Let’s face it, I’m still living in my parent’s basement with my two children, I do have a job, so that’s a plus, but some days I feel like I’m working in an office that speaks a foreign language, I have no money, and spend it like, well, not as bad as I use to, but there is still vast room for improvement.

I’m not sure if it’s just my personality working against me, or my perpetual depression, but I can get really excited in the short run about life, but after a while the sparkle wears off and I’m right back wondering what the point is again.

I’m still rooting for me though.  A few months back, I said to my family, “Don’t you always just want to root for the underdog?”, to which my mom replied, “No, no not really.”

Well that kind of burst my bubble a bit, but I still haven’t changed my personal view.  I think we should root for the underdog.  Maybe it’s the Cub fan in me, but I still believe that an underdog can succeed because someone does root for them.  All it takes is a little belief from others and big stuff can happen, probably, I mean maybe, or not in my lifetime, but eventually, right?  (Because now I’m thinking in terms of the good ole’ Cubbies…and I have to be realistic, it might not ever happen in my lifetime, but maybe my kid’s lifetime?)

Anyway, I think we are supposed to root for the underdog. Who are we to judge someone else?  Why are they any less likely to succeed than the rest of us?  Just because they are different? Or because life’s circumstances have dictated otherwise?  Aren’t we all capable of something?  Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Wow, that really puts it into perspective for me. Now I just have to find out what my genius is.  And a little rooting for the underdog wouldn’t help either, so if you’re rooting, you could “like” this post.  😉

%d bloggers like this: