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Who I want to be…

I’m tired and stuck…but I’m still hopeful. I can’t seem to get enough sleep…but I stay up late at night. I need to do something…but my motivation has been non-existent lately.

Generally I work on a cycle. I go from being motivated, to waiting, to unmotivated, to motivated, to waiting… catch my drift? I have been spending too much time looking back these past few weeks.  I need to move forward, “keep swimming, keep swimming…” as Dory from Finding Nemo would say. Sometimes, though, I think it’s important to look back to see where you’ve been so you can decide where you want to be.

I have this idea… an idea of who I will be when I finally am in the place I want to be.  I have no clue as to where or what that is, but I hope for it often.  And I have a few things to say about it.

1. For all of the people who have written me off, I’m sad. I’m sad for multiple reasons, but mostly because I learned that in my narcissistic world, I don’t hold an important place in a lot of people’s lives and inmany of the places I’ve been.  Life keeps moving forward, whether you’re in a certain place or not.  People keep moving too, and are very unaffected by your absence. This is a good lesson for a person to learn, and the sooner the better, because you will then be able to let go of people a lot quicker instead of sitting around wondering why people don’t give a shit about you.  Because that’s the way the world works.  Most people don’t give a shit about anything that doesn’t directly involve themselves. And when push comes to shove, believe me, you know where you stand and who is in your corner.  Don’t think too much of yourself, because in the grand scheme of things, you’re nothing to a whole lotta people… I believe it’s called humility…

2. For those of you who think badly of me, don’t judge me too harshly.  I went through a lot of shit in life, as most people do. I’m not a “bad” person, I am just a person who has poor judgement and makes a lot of mistakes.  This is how I learn, through experience.  I’m going to have a shit load of character by the time I’m done. But my most sterling quality? I can admit when I’m wrong. At the same time my worst quality (for myself anyway) is I take the blame to quickly for things that aren’t necessarily my fault.

3. I want to be your friend so badly.  I know the “your” in this is subjective.  Let me tell you a brief story about myself.  I’m the type of person who will be watching TV, or listening to someone speak, or people watching, and I will suddenly exclaim, “I want to be her friend!” (I think I said this once about Amy Paul – the WMBD news anchor. I also feel this way about the Bloggess, Jenny Lawson 😉 ) Anyhow, yes I am that pitiful girl who just wants everyone to like her, who wants to be in the “in” crowd.  From junior high to motherhood, it’s followed me all the way.  This is just something I’m going to have to come to terms with. I will never be the person other people look at and say, “Gee she’s neat, I’d love to be friends with her! She is so strong and ________ (insert characteristic here), I want to be just like her.” (I know, so Leave it to Beaver right?)

4. I have been a horrible mother, and an insensitive teacher.  Those words may be too harsh, but in the last year I have lost much of my patience.  I want to treat others the way I want to be treated in return, but maybe I have been treating others the way I think I have been treated.  I want my patience back.  Actually, I’m not sure I ever had any patience, and if I had to bet on it, I would say this is the lesson God is trying to beat with a frying pan through my head right now. So I wait, patiently…

5. I want another opportunity to prove myself.  In work, family, relationships, friendships, all of it. However, after being through “the ordeal” as I’ve taken to calling it, I don’t think I will be able to trust people again.  I want to, and there are still some people I think I trust, but people are harsh and self-serving.  I assume the best of everyone and everyone doesn’t always give their best, nor do I. Therefore this will be a limited endeavor.

I don’t think I will ever be in a “relationship” again.  It is much easier being on your own, and my self-image is damaged.  I’m vain, I know, but so are a lot of other people.

So all of this being said, here is who I hope I become: A fun-loving person, slow to anger, patient and self-reliant. I hope to be a person who doesn’t rely on other’s for affirmation or permission.  I want to be self-sustaining and a person that other people look at and say, “Wow, look at where she’s been and where she is now, impressive. I want to be her friend…”

I figure all I have is time…. so until then I’ll just “keep swimming, keep swimming….”.

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