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I’m going to have to become a closet Phineas and Ferb watcher…

 So, my children have sent me so over the edge that I have to take many of the TV shows they watch away from them, because frankly, I just think it causes them to act like moronic imbeciles who think they control the world, or the world in our house. Here is the schedule I sent to their father entitled “The Smackdown”. I didn’t include the entire e-mail, because there are just some things I shouldn’t share with the general public on my blog.

(I have highlighted my favorite parts in bold italics…)

3:45 – 4:15 Lainey comes home/snack/free time (no TV or DS)

4:15 – 5:15 Homework, includes: writing all spelling words and must re-write any she misses or asks for prompts on five times each(ie: “fl” is that right?), practice addition flash cards (especially focusing on the “doubles”, 2+2, 5+5, 7+7…) She needs to start memorizing facts. Ella can do something quietly like coloring or at home we have a preschool activity book that she can work in, or read books or something like that.

5:15 – 5:30 Set table, get ready for dinner

5:30 – 6:00 dinner/clean up

6:00 – 6:30 Baths/ Read a book – she needs to be reading at least 20 minutes each night.  She is so “starved” for “together time” this would be a good time for her to sit down with one of us and read.

6:30 – 7:00 (if it was bath night she can read at this time, Ella could listen as well) if not they can have some free play time

7:00 – 7:30 watch TV (Nick Junior, or Sprout – no Sponge Bob Square Pants, Johnny Test, and, yes, it pains me to say it…Phineas and Ferb,  or anything else that will get them riled up. If all else fails I can send Baby Einstein and they can be forced to watch that, however, they will probably enjoy it more than anything else, because they are just that twisted…)

7:30 in bed, they are allowed to read or look at books, but absolutely no DS until they can get themselves back under control.  I was giving them about 20 minutes or so, but until behavior improves, no DS unless for a reward or on the weekends.

8:00 Lights out

As you can see, they have lost anything fun until their tyrannical raid comes to an end. Moshi Monsters was the first to go, and I can’t tell you how relieved I am to get that life sucking game off my back. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I do not deal with terrorists, and until they reform there is little they can do to make me change my mind. Personally, “I would like to see the shrieking, screaming, demanding, temper tantrums, back talk, disrespect, excuse making, and antagonizing each other gone.” (I have some pretty wicked audio files of temper tantrums on my phone I’m planning on making into a CD to make them listen to in the car on trips to town.)

“They are going to cry and whine that they are bored and they hate me, but I’m pretty sure they will get creative (in finding stuff to do) if needed. They complain that I don’t do things with them or spend time with them, but honestly when they have me running around like a chicken with my head cut off doing anything and everything for them, I really have very little energy, nor do I feel like taking time out to spend with their snotty asses. I know it sounds harsh, but things have really gotten out of hand.”

Of course the drawback is I LOVE, and I mean LOVE Phineas and Ferb.  I just feel that their crack induced sister Candace is somewhat of a bad influence on them.  (Read more about Candace here) I mean Phineas and Ferb work so hard to teach kids to use their imagination and promote discovery and invention that this country is in dire need of these days, not to mention trying to motivation kids to do something with their time during summer break (but I digress…) That Candace though, I can hear Lainey, “Mom, Ella’s creating a title sequence again…” Seriously Candace? Give it a break! Why can’t you just let them have their fun and then we could continue to watch good wholesome television without having to worry about our children planning revenge on each other and screeching to their moms about what you KNOW is not going to be there when you get her to the backyard!!!! I mean really, how much longer are you going to keep up this charade? Will you ever go to college? That would be totally awesome because then I would only have to deal with the backlash from Dr. Doosensmirf and that guy I can handle because all of his evil plans to take over the tri-state area are totally lame.

So that being said… I will have to resort to watching Phineas and Ferb while sneaking my sweet treats away from prying eyes in the closet from now on.  Although it’s going to get mighty tough trying to hid in the closet with a 42 inch flat screen, but where there’s a will, there’s a way…

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Patience

Yes, I’m back. This is my 10th post and I have over 300 hits on my blog to date.  Thank you for all of you who return to read my mundane ramblings that probably don’t make sense half of the time. My mom told me tonight:  she talks to blow off steam, while I write.

It’s entirely too late and I should be in bed, but generally I wait until the girls are in bed to log on to my online classes to get the most out of them that I can. Have I mentioned I went back to school? It’s just on-line and I’m majoring in Web Graphic Design, which will possibly be another dead end profession (as I’ve had many people tell me so far, but I haven’t listened to anyone up to this point, so why start now?) but it is something I’m interested in, so what the hell?

It was another rough day with my children after Lainey got home from school. We had a MAJOR melt-down (which I recorded 😉 ) about, you guessed it, Moshi Monsters. Needless to say, Moshi Monsters are hereby banned during the week at our house.  Did you know I am the meanest mom ever and I don’t love my kids? Lainey said she hates me and will never hug or kiss me again, but ha, I got a kiss goodnight, so she must be rethinking that bold statement. At one point she was trying to negotiate saying she had “a deal” to make with me, but I told her I don’t make deals with terrorists.  I discussed this matter with her father, who has given me full backing in this fight against homeland terrorism. Seeing as how she explained that he and her step-mom always played with them and let them do whatever, I thought it may be a good idea to put some feelers out to how things were playing out at their house.  Seems the same domestic terrorism hits their homeland as well. You never can be too sure about dads, you gotta love ’em, but they tend to be a bit softer that a mom. However, it’s always interesting to watch Lainey as she talks to her dad, because she comes to the realization that even though we aren’t together anymore we are “together” on all things involving her and her sister.

My dad was telling me tonight that he was impressed at how patient I am with them. Not always, and I find that statement a bit surprising seeing as how that was probably the deciding factor in the loss of my job last year.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point of being able to let all of the mean and hateful things said by people roll off my back. Many times, people don’t even have any idea about how their words affect a person. Yet, I have learned that when I look back at how I behaved during the early days of my divorce, I often said mean and hateful things too. Things I never in a million years meant or believed, but I said them out of grief, anguish, and exhaustion.  I was like a child throwing a temper tantrum to the world.  At the same time I was ashamed, humiliated, and embarassed at my behavior and what was happening in my life.

It is still a long process we are going through, with a lot of healing and finding a new beat to flow with. But through all of this I know there is one lesson I have been studying and will continue to study: patience. My biggest prayer as I go to bed tonight is that this lesson is a bit more easily learned for my children that it has been for me. It seems to me I’m always waiting, but I know without a doubt there is something up around the next bend. I pray that their “something” is a thousand times kinder and better than mine, but I am sure that is every parent’s wish.

In the words of a great song, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”. (I could have gone with Axel Rose’s Patience, but that was always the song Lainey’s dad sang to her when she was a baby… and I’m not removed enough yet to remember those times as fondly as I otherwise would 🙂 )

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