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I’m going to have to become a closet Phineas and Ferb watcher…

 So, my children have sent me so over the edge that I have to take many of the TV shows they watch away from them, because frankly, I just think it causes them to act like moronic imbeciles who think they control the world, or the world in our house. Here is the schedule I sent to their father entitled “The Smackdown”. I didn’t include the entire e-mail, because there are just some things I shouldn’t share with the general public on my blog.

(I have highlighted my favorite parts in bold italics…)

3:45 – 4:15 Lainey comes home/snack/free time (no TV or DS)

4:15 – 5:15 Homework, includes: writing all spelling words and must re-write any she misses or asks for prompts on five times each(ie: “fl” is that right?), practice addition flash cards (especially focusing on the “doubles”, 2+2, 5+5, 7+7…) She needs to start memorizing facts. Ella can do something quietly like coloring or at home we have a preschool activity book that she can work in, or read books or something like that.

5:15 – 5:30 Set table, get ready for dinner

5:30 – 6:00 dinner/clean up

6:00 – 6:30 Baths/ Read a book – she needs to be reading at least 20 minutes each night.  She is so “starved” for “together time” this would be a good time for her to sit down with one of us and read.

6:30 – 7:00 (if it was bath night she can read at this time, Ella could listen as well) if not they can have some free play time

7:00 – 7:30 watch TV (Nick Junior, or Sprout – no Sponge Bob Square Pants, Johnny Test, and, yes, it pains me to say it…Phineas and Ferb,  or anything else that will get them riled up. If all else fails I can send Baby Einstein and they can be forced to watch that, however, they will probably enjoy it more than anything else, because they are just that twisted…)

7:30 in bed, they are allowed to read or look at books, but absolutely no DS until they can get themselves back under control.  I was giving them about 20 minutes or so, but until behavior improves, no DS unless for a reward or on the weekends.

8:00 Lights out

As you can see, they have lost anything fun until their tyrannical raid comes to an end. Moshi Monsters was the first to go, and I can’t tell you how relieved I am to get that life sucking game off my back. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I do not deal with terrorists, and until they reform there is little they can do to make me change my mind. Personally, “I would like to see the shrieking, screaming, demanding, temper tantrums, back talk, disrespect, excuse making, and antagonizing each other gone.” (I have some pretty wicked audio files of temper tantrums on my phone I’m planning on making into a CD to make them listen to in the car on trips to town.)

“They are going to cry and whine that they are bored and they hate me, but I’m pretty sure they will get creative (in finding stuff to do) if needed. They complain that I don’t do things with them or spend time with them, but honestly when they have me running around like a chicken with my head cut off doing anything and everything for them, I really have very little energy, nor do I feel like taking time out to spend with their snotty asses. I know it sounds harsh, but things have really gotten out of hand.”

Of course the drawback is I LOVE, and I mean LOVE Phineas and Ferb.  I just feel that their crack induced sister Candace is somewhat of a bad influence on them.  (Read more about Candace here) I mean Phineas and Ferb work so hard to teach kids to use their imagination and promote discovery and invention that this country is in dire need of these days, not to mention trying to motivation kids to do something with their time during summer break (but I digress…) That Candace though, I can hear Lainey, “Mom, Ella’s creating a title sequence again…” Seriously Candace? Give it a break! Why can’t you just let them have their fun and then we could continue to watch good wholesome television without having to worry about our children planning revenge on each other and screeching to their moms about what you KNOW is not going to be there when you get her to the backyard!!!! I mean really, how much longer are you going to keep up this charade? Will you ever go to college? That would be totally awesome because then I would only have to deal with the backlash from Dr. Doosensmirf and that guy I can handle because all of his evil plans to take over the tri-state area are totally lame.

So that being said… I will have to resort to watching Phineas and Ferb while sneaking my sweet treats away from prying eyes in the closet from now on.  Although it’s going to get mighty tough trying to hid in the closet with a 42 inch flat screen, but where there’s a will, there’s a way…

Bedtime is a nightmare…

I’ve explained how my daughter has chronic anxiety, so naturally you can assume that bedtime in our house is a nightmare.  I have taken to letting my youngest fall asleep alone in my bed, because without fail, each night, Lainey and I end up having a blow out around 10 o’clock. It never fails, I’ve tried everything – to no avail. The doctor suggested having every possible request taken care of before she even goes to bed.  This is our “routine”:

Before bed they are allowed to watch TV or play, they get hot chocolate, then to bed, read a book, drink of water, go to the bathroom, change of PJs because we are either too hot or too cold, fan in the room to cool her down, brown bear, blankets up, blankets down, and a lot of other stuff in between.

Last night was no different, probably because it had been an anxiously charged day.  As I sat at my computer waiting for a moment I could log on and post a discussion on my online business course (because I can’t log on when she is still awake due to the never ending requests and my account logging me off because I haven’t done anything for a while) I thought of this book, Go the Fuck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach.  There is an audio version on YouTube read by Samuel L. Jackson which is awesome, because he is totally the person I could imagine reading this book.

If you are easily offended, please refrain from listening, but if you are a parent that struggles with bedtime, seriously, listen to it!  You will be laughing and crying at the same time because there is finally something or someone that agrees with you that you are not alone, nor are you crazy…

Fake roller coasters are just as freaky as the real thing…. apparently.

Lake County Historical Museum

A wolly mamoth outside the front of the museum on our vaca...

So nothing interesting really happened today, yesterday however, while I was driving home from taking my youngest to her babysitters, I broke into a fit of hysterics thinking back to our vacation a few weeks ago.  It was nothing big really, we went to visit my brother and sister-in-law and their girls near Chicago. However, there were several amusing events that occured while there.

One day while there, my sister-in-law and I thought it would be neat to take the girls to the local museum.  There was an exhibit about the history of Lake County which was in a mini theatre type room. There were roller coaster seats set up in front of three 32 inch panoramic TVs.  We sit down to “enjoy” the movie, when the lights go out and the movie starts with a view from the front of a roller coaster.  My fear ridden children promptly began to freak out, all the while my two nieces are looking on with a look of horror and confusion.  The movie begins “taking us back” to prehistoric times and my youngest starts screaming, “I want to go back to our time!” while my oldest is saying, “I want outta here!”. My SIN and I are laughing our asses off, (parent of the year, I know).  Then she pushes up the roller coaster bar and starts to get out of her seat and one of my nieces yells, “No! You can’t get out! Sit down!” which causes us to laugh even harder. Because, really, what’s going to happen? She’ll fall off the roller coaster? WE AREN’T EVEN ON A ROLLER COSTER!!!!

Needless to say, they booked out of there faster that a virgin on prom night.  There was also a postcard exhibit, decorated oddly enough with a gigantic Paul Bunyon and Blue, which my youngest apparently is deathly afraid of.  She would, under no cirumstances, allow us to go into that exhibit.

Hmmm, well I guess Six Flags is out of the question…

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